Mixed Emotions

I'd like to start of this post giving Pam a huge shout for great milestone accomplishment this morning.  Pam ran her first 5K today at the Race for the Cure in amazing time.  She completed it in 45 minutes.  In fact if she hadn't stayed back with me for awhile I'm pretty sure she would have been under 43 minutes.   I'm so proud I was able to witness such an amazing accomplishment.  She has come so far in such a short time.  Way to go PAMMY!!!!

For me today, I had mixed emotions about the event and I'm still struggling to figure it all out.  I'm not sure what's going on in my head lately but this was another event that threw me for a loop.  I really am having a hard time with running.  I felt horrible for holding Pam back and was really thankful when we separated at mile two.  I wanted her to feel that she worked and pushed herself as hard as she could without worrying about me and I'm so glad she had the courage to do so.  I never want to be the reason for someone not reaching their goals.  I just could not keep up with her.  Every time I tried pushing harder my body yelled back at me that I couldn't push so hard.  In fact, it wasn't really my body.  It was my mind.  Running is mentally challenging for me, while I know my body can logically handle jogging more, my mind doesn't let me.  I wanted to finish the race in under 45 and was positive that I could but I ended up coming in a few seconds after 47 minutes.  While this is my fastest time for a 5K I'm still really really frustrated.  I know this might sound crazy to some people, but I'm mad because I know I have more in me.  I can do a Triathlon, why am I letting a 5K get in my way.  Secondly,  why am I so disappointed in myself when it was the best time I had.  I fought back the tears until I reached my car because I didn't want ruin others excitement of the day.  With that said, I thrilled to tell you that after the 5K run, Michele and Pam came up with the idea to do the 5K walk portion.  So in total we did a 10 K today.  The walk was so much fun and I really enjoyed that part, we finished in about 1:05.  This is the most I've travel on "foot" in one day :)

After some time talking things out (thanks to all you peeps I talked to) and self reflecting (thanks Mariah, lol), I think I know why I'm mentally block running.  I'm terrified even if I give it 100%, I still won't be good enough.  I'm afraid that even if I push myself as hard as I can, that I'll still suck.  That I'll jog as fast as I can, and I will still be slow.  Now I just gotta figure out how to remove that barrier, because I'm not willing to let this stop me, I'm not willing to let it hold me back.  I REFUSE TO GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  This week, I am focused on fat girl baywatch jogging, not because I have to be a fast runner, but because I will break thru this mental barrier and be the best Mariah I can be.  If that means I only end up being able to do miles 15 minutes so be it, as long as I learn to give 100% without the fear of failing, then I've accomplished my goal.

Paul and Hannah gave me a wonderful Mothers Day.   I'm sitting in my new jammies as I'm writing this, I feel so lucky to have a wonderful Mother and get to experience the joy of Motherhood myself.  My new self allows me to enjoy these days without the guilt of moving on from losing Joey and other pregnancy losses.  This is a huge difference in my life and I'm so grateful and thankful.  I am wishing all of you out there a wonderful and peaceful Mothers Day.  Please give your Moma's and children an extra squeeze for me :)

Unstoppable "refusing to quit" Mariah