Confession

I have a confession to make, I’m a food addict.  This week was tougher then it has been in a while with food.  I was up 1lb this week due to my poor food choices.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the end of the world.  The great part is that I’m really working on feeling the feelings.  I’m just still working out the kinks.  I was so numb before it sometimes becomes overwhelming to feel so much now.  I need to continue to ask myself “what the hunger is really telling me?”   If it really a need for food or a need to stuff my emotions down.  If it’s emotions, I am trying to figure out what I’m feeling and the cause of it to deal with the cause.  I’m so confident that when I figure this out, I will really unlock something powerful.

This past week I’ve had so many questions running thru my head.  Since I no longer live in a numb fog and starting to learn so much more about myself, I’m starting to question my life in different ways then I ever have before.  I feel like my journey, my struggles have a bigger purpose to them.  A co-worker of mine (Jerry Eklund) had MS and passed away from cancer.   Instead of his faith withering away, it grew stronger than it ever was.   He wrote a passage that was in his memorial card at the service. 

I believe God has a divine plan

And purpose for His creation.

The universe is unfolding as He planned.

No plan of His can be thwarted.

I believe God has a plan for my life,

And it is unfolding as He planned.

I believe God allowed me health challenges

Into my life to mold me for His service.

He knows what’s best for me.

I will bear the suffering because

It is His will that I should.

His wisdom appointed this for me.

His grace will make it work for good to me.

He’s molding me to be more like His Son.

He’s deepening and strengthening

My faith and trust in Him.

He’s making my dependence

On Him more completed.

He’s using my journey to influence

The journey of others.

Jerry Eklund

I wonder what my life will unfold, where I will end up, how I can continue to pay it forward.  What can I do to make a difference in the world?  Do I have the courage to rise to the challenge and overcome my struggles?  Will I stop fighting God’s plan for me and accept it?  Will I learn to stop being afraid and learn that my support system will catch me when I inevitably fall as it’s all part of learning to get back up?  Do I have what it takes to get over being emotional addicted to food?  Like I said, lots of questions running thru my mind, but it’s great because I’m allowing them to be there.  I’m allowing myself to think about it, I’m allowing myself to look for the answer.  

I will leave you with some wonderful news, today is my first total no boot day.  My foot is weak but my pain level is only a 2.  I’m so happy to be getting back on my feet.  Tomorrow Paul runs his first 10K, I’m so proud and happy for him.  He’s come so far and is amazing.  I get tears in my eyes when I think about it, I’m so happy to continue to watch him in his journey and thankful to be part of it.  I’ve even convinced him to write a guest post about his run tomorrow.

Unstoppable “overcoming food addiction” Mariah

My New Defining Word

I just figured out that I'm courageous.  It sorta hit me out of the blue.  I've been really working to "feel the feeling" and then let it go.  This is a powerful and frightening thing for me.  It's two fold for me, 1- being willing to actually feel, live and accept the "feeling", that my friends is hard for me, 2- by allowing myself to feel it, I am able to let it go.  "Feeling" is uncomfortable for me, well no, let me be more specific, feeling what some might perceive as negative emotions is uncomfortable for me.  In some ways I have no idea how to deal with those emotions other than to shut them out.  This has not worked for me, this is why I gained my weight.  Shutting down doesn't work, those emotions manifest themselves in some way, shape or form and not in a good way.  Accepting my emotions for what they are is scary and uncomfortable but it's been has been increabiblely powerful and freeing.

One example is the TC running events coming up.  I am signed up for the 5K and Paul is signed up for the 10K.   There will be no 5K for me; I kept trying to ignore the feelings I was having about not being able to participate.  The more I ignore feelings the more I feel the need to stuff them away, working out used to help me with that.  No working out means oh my gosh I need to EAT my feelings to stuff them down . . . . or I can "feel the feeling".  I was angry and frustrated that I can't participate; I allowed myself to feel that, without feeling guilty for those feelings and moved on.  I am now nothing but beyond proud and excited to see Paul do his 10K.  It's the first time I've been a true spectator for Paul in an event.  I love that I get to watch him and cheer him on.  He's an amazing runner and I love to see what emerges within him when he runs.  By allowing myself to feel the negative I'm able to focus clearly on the positive which I LOVE!!!!!!

Everyday I'm starting to see clarity in how my injury while has set me back in some ways moved me forward in so many other ways.  I don't want to hold onto negative emotions anymore.  I was to feel them and set them free because it sets me free.  It allows me to be the person I aspire to be.  I often don't give myself credit for what I've done to change my life, I forget how much courage it's taken to get to where I am.  I know I can't always prevent myself from falling, but I'm so proud that I've learned to pick myself up, dust myself off and try it again.

My weigh in at WW went great today, my initial timid and nervousness is less.  I'm down 3.2lbs, WHOO HOOO.  I'm starting to feel like I'm back on track to losing weight and am focused on using this tool until the holidays are over.  At that time I'll re-evaluate what my needs are.  I started some new goals to help me stay focus, some are long term, some are short term.

*       Loose 2lbs a week for the first month of doing weight watchers
*       Lift weights 2 days a week for my arms
*       Crunches 2 days a week
*       Start elliptical next week, 5 minutes at a time until foot feels okay, 3 days a week
*       Blog 3 days a week
*       Eat out less- come up with plan with Pauly
*       Find list of okay foods when eating out, keep in purse, wallet or car
*       Support my fellow bloggers and leave 10 comments a week on various blogs

What are your short term and long term goals?

Unstoppable "courageous- yup, that's me" Mariah

Oh Lunch Bag . . . Where are you?

For some reason, today started out a bit discombobulated.  I don’t have an exact pinpoint of what went wrong when other than I just kept forget things and putting them in the wrong spots.  Who knows what I’ll find where when I get home.  Belle and I jumped into to car and headed to Kidstop, I was proud that I made it out the door in one piece.  It was only after I was almost to Kidstop thinking about my delicious food in my lunch bag and how great I was feeling about my points for the day and it hit me . . . .my lunch bag never made it down the stairs with me.  My poor lonely sad lunch bag filled with wonderful food all calculated out was sitting on the chair at home.

This presented a new “opportunity” for me to figure out good food choices in our work cafeteria.  For breakfast I had an egg white ham & cheese omelet and toast.  Lunch provided a bigger challenge but I ended up with a Taco Salad with no chips.   I’m trying to ignore the candy corn calling me from my neighbors desk . . . EAT ME, EAT ME, EAT ME, I did eat a few pieces and logged them as points but for the rest of the day, I will tell that darn corn to shut the heck up.  I’m doing great on my water consumption and am already at 68 ounces.   Great part about drinking so much water, it also helps me get more activity in because I’m making so many trips to the rest room.  Win/Win right J

Lunch is over and I’m back at it.  Hope all is going well with everyone out there!

Unstoppable “forgetful” Mariah

How much is a point worth?

I’ll come clean and admit I haven’t been the best at counting my points since starting weight watchers but I promised to get on track and with the program this week.  We went grocery shopping this weekend and it hit hard what it’s like to be on a regimented program.  It’s not that I haven’t been aware of what I’m eating, however I haven’t been counting calories etc.  In general, I know what good choices and bad choices are.  I’m also not accustom to paying attention to carbs, normally I look at calories, fat, fiber and sodium.  The new Weight Watchers Points Plus focuses on Carbs, Protein, Fat and Fiber. 

When I first pulled out my handy dandy ww calculator I was beyond mortified.  I was trying to be as discrete as I could as I plugged in the numbers to figure out how many points things were.  Paul and Belle wanted to help out and discreet when out the window.  Granted we weren’t yelling across the store or anything, but Belle wanted to help punch the numbers in, so that required us to tell her the numbers as she called out carbohydrates, protein, fiber, fat.  Then you try to figure out, is it worth the points?  My mind started spinning at I felt like I was back at square one of my journey.  At times, I wanted to melt down, cry and scream this sucks and it’s unfair.  Then I realized I needed to grow up and live in reality.  I’m still significantly overweight.  I have limits on my working out until my foot gets better.  I need a program to help get me thru the next few months if I want to be successful.  I must be accountable in order to loose weight.  While I’m using this program as a tool, I’m NOT on a DIET.   I’m on a healthiness journey using different tools at different times as needed to succeed. 

Paul is very supportive, which is beyond helpful as I hear horror stories of husbands/significant others who put up obstacles on their wife/girlfriends in their effort to get healthy.  He packs my breakfast in the morning (I know lucky gal- smiling as I type that) and he writes down the points or weight of my food.  This is where I am and I will own it, because I’m worth it.

Unstoppable “point counting” Mariah

Reflecting & MRI Results

Yesterday marked the 9 year anniversary of the passing of my son Joey.  In so many ways in seems like a million years ago, but when I really reflect on that day, emotions comes flooding back of how devastating that day was.  With how comfortable and happy I am with the way my life is turning out, I was taken back on how the tears quickly came to my eyes and I realized how much I still miss him.  Sometimes the whole thing seems so surreal and I have a hard time connecting or identifying myself as a person who has gone thru the loss of a baby.  I guess I’ve come to the reality that I will always have that pain and hole in my heart.  There will always be a piece of me missing until I see him again one day.  I try to let myself feel whatever I feel that day without judgement.  It is the day I often think what would life be like if he wouldn’t have died.  Would he look like Paul, would him and Belle be good friends?  How would Belle be different with a sibling?  Would he have been a Mama’s boy?  What would it have been like with Paul and I trying to balance life with 2 children?  I also wonder if he realizes that while I love my life today, I love him so darn much and my arms still ache to hold him.   

I’m also amazed how far we’ve come as a family and how day to day life got back to a new “normal.  While it took me a long time to get to where I’m at today, I’m proud of who I am and the person I continue to become.  I love my life with my family and enjoy being part of Hannah growing up.  I know I wouldn’t be who I am today without the lessons I’ve learn from Joey’s short but important life.  As I watch Hannah grow it’s a daily reminder how blessed and what a privilege it is to be her Mom. 

I got my MRI results back and it came back similar to what I feared in my last post and guess what, I’m still alive and kicking.  No surgery right now, but a decent possibly of surgery in the future.  I trust my doctor 100% and promised God I would trust the findings and not second guess things.   MRI results showed bad high ankle sprain, possible hairline foot fracture, some bruising of the bones (called marrow edema) and degenerative peroneal tendonitis.  It was way cool because she showed me the MRI pictures and then showed me on my foot where the injuries were. 

High ankle sprains tend to be slow healers but I should be back to myself in another 3 months.  I have 3 tendons that were impacted by the sprain.  They found moderate marrow edema on the lateral aspect of the cuboid but weren’t able to see a definite fracture line because of the fluid in the bones.  They recommended doing a CT if I have ongoing issues, but hopefully the next few weeks bring good healing.  I also have a few other areas of mild marrow edema but no concerns with fractures there.  I will have a full happy and danceable recovery from my sprain.   

The degenerative peroneal tendonitis showed flattening of my peroneus brevis tendon with some small tearing within the tendon itself.   It’s also showing edema around the area.  The tears unfortunately will not heal, however we hope to keep it at bay as well as we can as long as we can.  The swelling should calm down in time.  Tendinitis is why my foot gave out in the first place and I’ve had issues with it for years.  It’s not uncommon for someone with degenerative peroneal tendinitis to just have their tendon split or tear completely with a small twist and fall.   Good news, this sprain didn’t tear it completely or even split if.  Ideally I won’t injury myself again but realistically that’s another story. I’m trying to figure out how to not be fearful of injuring it again and letting that hold me back.  The bottom line is, I can injury it again from doing nothing like I did this last time.  Surgery right now really isn’t the long term answer.   We just need to hold out on surgery until we don’t have other options. 

I’ll still be in my boot for a while longer.  I can start taking time out of it and seeing how the pain feels, as the pain lessens more time out of the boot.  Once the ankle sprain is healed I will still need to wear my big strappy ankle brace during running and biking and some type of brace for swimming.  These are all doable and better then surgery right now!  

Goals this week, drink more water, work my arms out 2 days, go for a short walk and start logging points 5 days a week.  I also want to work on blogging at least 3 so I don’t write a book each time J

Unstoppable “reflective" Mariah

Hello . . . waving wildly :)

Hello my long lost friends.  As you can tell, blogging has been a challenge for me lately.  I’m out of my “routine” but starting to settle into a new one with my foot injury.  Since my last post, I’ve been to the dentist for the first time in years (WHOO HOOO), been back to PT, thrown for my first time on a potter wheel, scheduled an MRI and a follow up, signed up and went to my first weight watchers meeting.  It’s been a busy week full of great accomplishments.

I have been neglecting blogging because I’m somewhat lost for words.  It’s inevitable on long journeys, however just like being aware of what I eat and my activity, blogging is another key to my success.   As Ann often blogs about, I must FEEL the feeling.  I always get nervous this time of year as the Anniversary of my sons passing comes closer, normally I’m hit with huge emotions.  This year, I’m calm which causes some anxiety as I’m nervous I’ll be caught off guard by a flood of emotions. 

I found it interesting that my MRI is scheduled the tomorrow which happens to be the same day as Joey’s Heavenly Birthday.   I’ve been telling God I trust his plan for my ankle.  My biggest worry ironically is that they won’t due surgery.  I feel like surgery would fix it forever and if they don’t do surgery that I’m at risk for injuring next season just like I did this season.  Darn chronic ankle injuries.  I however I have decided to trust God’s plan for me.   It’s symbolic that I will give it all up to him tomorrow as I also have learned to trust his plan in so many other ways, particularly in aspects of my son.  I guess it’s all part of the journey right?

I also found out they need to do more dental work.  Oh yeah, I’ll never wait that long for my teeth before.  Doing this is way worse than being chicken.  I love my dentist office, they totally rock.  Since it took longer than expected they’ll do the sedation free for me this time.  It will be an even longer appointment but at least hopefully it will be my last long one. 

I may not be coming far in my “weight-loss” but I continue to find myself and come farther in my journey of finding who and what I want to be.  I love my new “calmer” self.  I like being able to take more into stride and see small glimpses into why.  I’m starting to enjoy the unknown and the surprises reviled.  I’m starting to listen more and believe in others and myself. 

I know I promised an announcement, but I’m a bit delayed in getting it composed.  I promise to get it done soon.  Just need to get a few more things out of the way first.  Thanks again for your continued support and words, they really help me thru the hard times J

Unstoppable “got me some bigger ears” Mariah

Finding a new path

Hello my friends J  It’s been an interesting past few weeks with much on my mind.  I’ve taken some time to reflect quietly about my next steps as well as just taken a much needed break from being focused on weight loss and exercise.  I’m ready to re-focus and change directions a bit.

My foot is still giving me major issues, in fact there are times I struggle making it up the stairs on nights I have class.  This means I have very little I can do for cardio.  With the said, I’m going to start focus on weight lifting with my arms.  With my latest bump, I’m finding BUD isn’t the best fit for me since cardio is out the door.  I’ve decided to join weight watchers again, because I need something different during my time off of running and biking.  It’s so hard with BUD right now, because each time I plug in, I feel sad due to my small number of steps etc.  Once I’m back on my “feet” I will go back to him.  I’m nervous about weight watchers but excited to get back on track and loose some weight.  I know I need something regimented that will hold me accountable as I’m struggling to do it on my own right now.

A friend of mine Jodi and I have been taking back and forth and offering encouragement.  We are working to get our workouts in and drinking water etc.   We work for the same company so we are able to touch base easily throughout the day reminding to drink lots of water.  She’s a stitch and so much fun.  It’s great to have friends to partner with to help keep you going.

While I feel like I’ve taken such a huge step backwards, in reality I really haven’t.  I’m less then 10lbs up and many of my food choices while not perfect aren’t what they used to be.  I eat breakfast everyday, I have given up drinking diet coke everyday and we eat do many more veggies.  Grocery shopping is a completely different experience as we shop the “outside” of the store and eat so much less processed foods.  Hannah eats so much better as well.    I’m also still so much happier then I was 2 years ago.  My marriage is stronger and I’m more in love with my husband as ever, all thanks to both of us finding and deciding who we want to be.

I’m excited to announce a NSV of going to the dentist.  Okay, for most people the dentist is no big deal, to me, it’s terrifying.  Like full blown anxiety attack, crap my pants, I’d rather die before I go, I hate the dentist.  I cracked a tooth and really just needed to go.  I have an appointment Friday to get a bunch of dental work done and they will be giving me some medication and I’ll basically sleep the whole time.  I am really excited  to get my smile back and feel more confident about my teeth.  The closer it gets, the more nerves I get, but I'm so proud I'm going and know I can do this.

I have an appoitment at TRI tommorrow, hopefully I’ll have more of an idea of the direction we’ll go next with my foot.  Regardless of that, I’m happy to know I’ve got a plan in place to help me be on track for losing weight.  I really want to be in a good groove for the holidays so that I stay strong and away from adding on holiday weight.

Stay tuned for a very exciting post late in the week.  It’s been something on my mind for awhile and feel very passionite about.  My vision in starting to come together and I’ll be ready to share it soon.

Unstoppable “re-directing” Mariah