Monday, February 13, 2012


I made it through my first counseling appointment.  I was thankful I took Friday off to just be mellow with Pauly.  The first appointment was humbling and reminds me of when I first started trying to lose weight.  It's overwhelming and the hill I have to climb looks and it feels ginormous.  Just like physically my body wasn't used to working out, mentally my mind isn't used to "dealing".  The more I do it, the more naturally it will become.  I'll figure out ways to break my treatment into smaller goals so it feels more manageable.

The first appointment is all about an intake form.  Within one hour this person knew more about me than most people I interact with on a daily basis.  I had a constant stream of tears going down my face which is unusual, as the past few years I've been really holding my tears close to me and don't like to shed them.  As I look back at why I cried, it's more about not wanting to be where I am with this.  As she did the intake I realized I was getting "labels" associated with me (eating disorder, anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc).  Argh, the dreaded labels, regardless that millions of people having these labels, I didn't want to be associated with the labels being placed on me.

My newest labels make it feel too real.  It's a double edge sword, they need those labels to find a correct treatment plan, but yet I don't want to fall into that bucket.  Just like when they wrote on my medical report that I was morbidly obese.   I know millions of others have these same "labels", but I don't want it to be me.  The reality of the matter is "IT IS ME".

I plan to keep trying. I plan to keep fighting.  Thanks for all of your encouragement.  I did walk away with a few new things.  Exercise, I knew it made me feel better, but I'm starting to understand it's critical in my management of anxiety/depression.  Self-Soothing, starting to track what helps calm me outside of eating.  Lastly but just as important, it's easier to feel guilt then helpless.

One day at a time, one appointment at a time, one decision at a time, I can do this.

Unstoppable "labeled" Mariah

Wednesday, February 8, 2012


This feels like it's one of the most awkward posts to write.   It feels like forever since I've last shared with you.  I'm not sure I'll even post this blog but it's an effort to get back to it.  I'm sorry I've been to scared, embarrassed, ashamed, (fill in the negative adjective of your choice).    I'm still working towards my goal.  It's all kinda of a mess. I started feeling really vulnerable in my writing and sharing, which contributed to my latest outbreak of anxiety issues.  Granted that was only one part of it.  Many things have contributed to where I am at this moment.  I feel really lost in all of it.  Lost, I guess I didn't know that until I typed it now.  I've lost my bearings and often feel like the world is spinning around me and I'm just trying to catch up, to hold on to something, to stand still in strength, but instead I feel like water going down the drain in the bathtub as I fight to stay afloat.  Before I would have let the current take me down, but now I'm fighting back which in turn makes me physically and mentally exhausted.

It's not all bad and grim; I know this is all part of the journey.  I'm confident that even that I don’t like where I am at this moment; I trust that God has put me on the right path.  I went to see a doctor a few weeks ago about my increasing panic attacks.  They are worse and more frequent than ever before.  I believe the reason why it's been so bad is because I've been trying so hard to fight against the panic, before I would just let the fear totally control me and shut down into a depression.   I've come to the realization that I just can't do this anymore; I can't beat this on my own.  This isn't the person I want to be, not the Mom, wife or friend.  I was so paralyzed with fear, just going to the doctor to get meds almost sent me over the edge.  I trusted God that it would be okay, that the fear in my head of the doctor shunning me wouldn't happened, that they would help me.  My prayers were answer, instead of judgment, a warm heart and soft voice comforted me.  I kept telling her how I knew my fears weren't always logical, but that my body took over, my heart would race, my chest would get tight, I would have heart pain, I couldn't breathe or think normally, instead I just felt FEAR.  No matter how I tried to talk myself out of the fears, they sometimes just got louder and louder.  It is a HORRIBLE feeling and brings tears to my eyes.  I cried during the appointment several times, embarrassed of my mental state and emotions.  She was so compassionate; she helped get me on a few meds and referred me to a counseling clinic.

I've been on the meds for a few weeks and some of the edge is off, but I still have panic attacks.  I'm not sure this is the right medication for me, but I will try it for 8 weeks because it takes a while to fully be in your system.  I also have my first counseling appointment tomorrow.  I made it for 5:00 so I didn't have to worry about going back to work and feeling emotional or people asking me where I was.  Paul and I have off Friday for a fun date day.  While I share on my blog, in person I'm really ashamed and embarrassed at times.  I'm in touch with my feelings enough to understand most of my feelings and why they are what they are.  I take ownership of who I am and how I feel.  My anxiety isn’t about others or anyone else fault. My anxiety is mine to own and to cope with.  I'm ready to get help; I'm scared but ready to deal.  I'm ready to become the person I want to be.  I'm so scared and nervous for tomorrow, but I trust its right.

I'm so much farther then I was in the beginning.  I knew it wouldn't be easy and that's okay.  I don't even view what's going on right now as a setback, rather more of something I've been putting off dealing with and it's just coming to the forefront.  It's almost like I've dusted the top layers off and now I'm getting to the core of what I need to fix.  While I'm having many issues with fears specific to certain aspects of my life, I'm also more adventurous than ever.  I'm doing the Polar Bear Plunge in a hula outfit, OH YEAH!  I'm taking a BWCA trip with 8 other amazing women this summer (still fearful of that, but will work on it).  I've signed up for 3 Sprint Triathlons this summer as well.  When I've follow the right path, I've never been let down, it's been hard work, but it's always been worth the journey and effort.  I will keep reminding myself of this.  I am worth the effort.

Unstoppable "worthy" Mariah