Monday, February 13, 2012


I made it through my first counseling appointment.  I was thankful I took Friday off to just be mellow with Pauly.  The first appointment was humbling and reminds me of when I first started trying to lose weight.  It's overwhelming and the hill I have to climb looks and it feels ginormous.  Just like physically my body wasn't used to working out, mentally my mind isn't used to "dealing".  The more I do it, the more naturally it will become.  I'll figure out ways to break my treatment into smaller goals so it feels more manageable.

The first appointment is all about an intake form.  Within one hour this person knew more about me than most people I interact with on a daily basis.  I had a constant stream of tears going down my face which is unusual, as the past few years I've been really holding my tears close to me and don't like to shed them.  As I look back at why I cried, it's more about not wanting to be where I am with this.  As she did the intake I realized I was getting "labels" associated with me (eating disorder, anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc).  Argh, the dreaded labels, regardless that millions of people having these labels, I didn't want to be associated with the labels being placed on me.

My newest labels make it feel too real.  It's a double edge sword, they need those labels to find a correct treatment plan, but yet I don't want to fall into that bucket.  Just like when they wrote on my medical report that I was morbidly obese.   I know millions of others have these same "labels", but I don't want it to be me.  The reality of the matter is "IT IS ME".

I plan to keep trying. I plan to keep fighting.  Thanks for all of your encouragement.  I did walk away with a few new things.  Exercise, I knew it made me feel better, but I'm starting to understand it's critical in my management of anxiety/depression.  Self-Soothing, starting to track what helps calm me outside of eating.  Lastly but just as important, it's easier to feel guilt then helpless.

One day at a time, one appointment at a time, one decision at a time, I can do this.

Unstoppable "labeled" Mariah

1 comment:

  1. Love you and SO proud of you for getting help. You are going to be a better wife, mother, daughter and most importantly, a better YOU because of it. Keep your chin up, lady! We're all rooting for you!!