Friday, January 6, 2012

Back to Blogging

I’m not sure where to even begin this post.  It’s been awhile.  I’m ready to get back to blogging but anxious, I’m finding blogging is key to helping me work through emotions.  Something about taking the time to type the words up, it slows my mind, creates a need to focus and requires me to fully explore feelings.

The past two months I have been fighting a battle against anxiety.  I’ve been hesitant to post, not sure how to express this battle.  Worried my words would be offensive to others, worried about being vulnerable.  I found running and hiding from this doesn’t help, in fact it’s opposite, it feeds into the anxiety and makes it stronger.  So here’s to fighting my way back, I’m worth it.  I CAN DO THIS.  Letting anxiety control me has gotten made my scale go up, working out has become limited and mentally I’ve been exhausted.  I hate admitting these things. I’m supposed to be an example, I’m supposed to be “better” than this, I’m supposed to be stronger than this. 

I’m not alone in this, this is why weight loss is hard, and this is also why I knew that this was so much bigger than some fad diet.  I’m broken and I HATE IT.  I hate being broken, I know it’s a strong word, but I do and I need to be fully honest.  The minute I started to deal with my anxiety is sky rocketed.  I’ve had a few instances that occurred in the past 2 months that unfortunately fed the anxiety.  The most wonderful part of this all, I’m able to pinpoint and know why I have anxiety.  This is huge, this is breakthrough for me, never before have I been able to identify it.  I started reading a book by Angie Smith called “I Will Carry You”.  This book in so many ways has really helped me start to get to the bottom of my anxiety.  Now I just need to learn how to deal with it.  Hope to cope and rebuild from the bottom up.  It’s scary, but I know it’s darkest before dawn and friends, I will admit, it’s been very very dark, and now I’m praying for light.

I’m sorry I haven’t shared much.  Sometimes certain aspects of what I’m dealing with aren’t appropriate or fair to share online on a blog.  With that said, I’m starting to make progress.  I’ve had many opportunities and seen so many examples of the person I want to become and who I don’t want to become.  One example is with my Aunt and Mom.  My Grandmother recently passed away, I was so amazed by some of the things they did and how they handled things.   The care they provided in the last months of her life was a testament to their love of her.  At times it must have been extremely taxing for them but they always appeared patient and kind; call after call even if minutes apart, they would calming answer the same question, listen to the same story, they always found time for her.  I pray that the caring loving acts they provided my Grandmother provide them with comfort as they grief the loss of her.  At the same time, in the past few months I’ve seen examples of who I don’t want to be and how far I’ve come in dealing with grief and my feelings.  I’m so thankful to be where I am today, regardless of being broken.  Because I’m open and honest, I’m willing to realize what issues are my issues and what I need to do to fix them.  I love that I can look inward, know what I do to cause chaos and what I can do to remove myself from it.   I feel empowered with the fact that I get to define who I am, how I want to act and what I represent. 

So right now, my goal is to start working on my anxiety issues. To stop letting it control me and to instead cope with my fears, to trust that God will only challenge me as I can handle.  I’m working to find a doctor to talk to but also exploring the possible need to use medication at times.  For example my car was acting up, this caused me so much anxiety that I had a hard time breathing and wouldn’t leave the house for a few days in fear of my car blowing up.  While some might think that’s dramatic, it was truly a fear.  My worries aren’t unwarranted, but it’s to the degree I take them that are.  Every day I fear I’ll die or someone I love with die on the road, or that my house will start on fire, the list goes on and on.  Each time a fear doesn’t come true, I thank God for keeping me and the ones I love save.  Yep, a little crazy ckoo ckoo, but if I can admit it, I’m not too far gone right J  I wish I could explain the courage it takes to post this more eloquently.  Most people don’t know to the degree I suffer from anxiety, but I want to set myself free and let others know they aren’t alone.

Thursday morning, I got my butt up, weighed in and hit the gym before work.  My overwhelming anxiety slowly started melting.  I had pep in my step and felt GREAT.  I still had those nagging fears play out in my head, but they were not nearly as annoying or overpowering.  Conclusion, I NEED to work out.  This isn’t the only tool I need for anxiety, but it proved to be critical in my battle and allows me to take additional steps like blogging, taking to a doctor etc. 

2012 will be a great year with great progress.  I’m confident in this so much that I set up some fun goals which I’ll share more about this weekend.  I also have a challenge for you all out there that I’m really hoping you’ll join me in.  Thanks for taking the time to read this and it’s great to be back! 

Unstoppable “anxiety filled” Mariah