Reflecting & MRI Results

Yesterday marked the 9 year anniversary of the passing of my son Joey.  In so many ways in seems like a million years ago, but when I really reflect on that day, emotions comes flooding back of how devastating that day was.  With how comfortable and happy I am with the way my life is turning out, I was taken back on how the tears quickly came to my eyes and I realized how much I still miss him.  Sometimes the whole thing seems so surreal and I have a hard time connecting or identifying myself as a person who has gone thru the loss of a baby.  I guess I’ve come to the reality that I will always have that pain and hole in my heart.  There will always be a piece of me missing until I see him again one day.  I try to let myself feel whatever I feel that day without judgement.  It is the day I often think what would life be like if he wouldn’t have died.  Would he look like Paul, would him and Belle be good friends?  How would Belle be different with a sibling?  Would he have been a Mama’s boy?  What would it have been like with Paul and I trying to balance life with 2 children?  I also wonder if he realizes that while I love my life today, I love him so darn much and my arms still ache to hold him.   

I’m also amazed how far we’ve come as a family and how day to day life got back to a new “normal.  While it took me a long time to get to where I’m at today, I’m proud of who I am and the person I continue to become.  I love my life with my family and enjoy being part of Hannah growing up.  I know I wouldn’t be who I am today without the lessons I’ve learn from Joey’s short but important life.  As I watch Hannah grow it’s a daily reminder how blessed and what a privilege it is to be her Mom. 

I got my MRI results back and it came back similar to what I feared in my last post and guess what, I’m still alive and kicking.  No surgery right now, but a decent possibly of surgery in the future.  I trust my doctor 100% and promised God I would trust the findings and not second guess things.   MRI results showed bad high ankle sprain, possible hairline foot fracture, some bruising of the bones (called marrow edema) and degenerative peroneal tendonitis.  It was way cool because she showed me the MRI pictures and then showed me on my foot where the injuries were. 

High ankle sprains tend to be slow healers but I should be back to myself in another 3 months.  I have 3 tendons that were impacted by the sprain.  They found moderate marrow edema on the lateral aspect of the cuboid but weren’t able to see a definite fracture line because of the fluid in the bones.  They recommended doing a CT if I have ongoing issues, but hopefully the next few weeks bring good healing.  I also have a few other areas of mild marrow edema but no concerns with fractures there.  I will have a full happy and danceable recovery from my sprain.   

The degenerative peroneal tendonitis showed flattening of my peroneus brevis tendon with some small tearing within the tendon itself.   It’s also showing edema around the area.  The tears unfortunately will not heal, however we hope to keep it at bay as well as we can as long as we can.  The swelling should calm down in time.  Tendinitis is why my foot gave out in the first place and I’ve had issues with it for years.  It’s not uncommon for someone with degenerative peroneal tendinitis to just have their tendon split or tear completely with a small twist and fall.   Good news, this sprain didn’t tear it completely or even split if.  Ideally I won’t injury myself again but realistically that’s another story. I’m trying to figure out how to not be fearful of injuring it again and letting that hold me back.  The bottom line is, I can injury it again from doing nothing like I did this last time.  Surgery right now really isn’t the long term answer.   We just need to hold out on surgery until we don’t have other options. 

I’ll still be in my boot for a while longer.  I can start taking time out of it and seeing how the pain feels, as the pain lessens more time out of the boot.  Once the ankle sprain is healed I will still need to wear my big strappy ankle brace during running and biking and some type of brace for swimming.  These are all doable and better then surgery right now!  

Goals this week, drink more water, work my arms out 2 days, go for a short walk and start logging points 5 days a week.  I also want to work on blogging at least 3 so I don’t write a book each time J

Unstoppable “reflective" Mariah