Lightbulb, defining my next steps

I’ve known for some time that I’m an emotional eater, but haven’t gone much past labeling myself as so.  I have general high level ideas of why, but have been afraid to go any deeper.  I read a blog by my friend Ann about a book that addressed emotional/compulsive eating and realized that to get unstuck in my weight loss I needed to be willing to explore this further.   I decided to purchase two books by the same author.  I was so drawn in and captivated by “Feeding the Hungry Heart” by Greneen Roth, that I read the whole book (almost 200 pages) in one evening.  While the book didn’t capture me 100% there were certainly many elements that did.    I know I’m at the point in my journey where I need to start working on my inside to help fix the outside.  I’ve done great with pushing myself physically, but I must now be willing to take the next step and push myself physiologically.   This book in so many ways touched me to my core and left me literally speechless for more than a day.  I emotionally/compulsively eat and for the first time I’m willing to take the steps to understand why.  It’s scary as all heck, my initial searching led me to realize I eat so I don’t feel emotions.  Stuffing myself, stuffs down the feelings, it allows me to numb.  I remember times where I felt like my emotions were out of control so I would eat until I couldn’t move, it was like a self induced coma to protect me from feeling.  I had done this before my son died, but when Joey died, I just got REALLY REALLY good at it.  As I got good at it, I started using it times other then when I was sad, it worked when I was angry, disappointed, frustrated, happy, excited, you name it, food works for every emotion.  The bigger the emotion, the bigger the food coma.   Food melted everything away, the fatter I got, the less control I had over my life, the less blame I could place on myself, the more automatic eating food became.  It became as normal of a responds as putting a Band-Aid on a cut.     As I take ownership of my life, ownership of my decisions and the path I want to go down, I feel lost without food.  I’m lost on how to learn how to feel again.  How to deal with my emotions in a “healthy” way instead of the self destructive food coma way.  Quite frankly I’m terrified.  Change can be scary, I’ve been changing myself and figuring out who I want to be since I started my journey.  My husband himself is on a journey, how to we ensure our journeys help keep us on the same path together while respecting our differences and our own needs for change.  Being fat was in so many ways easier, safer, less energy in the whole emotional arena.  Fixing what’s broken feels like me thinking about running a marathon.  But just like with my events, I’m going to take a step back, and realize, it’s one thing at a time, one step in front of the other and to find somehow to enjoy and respect each milestone for what it is.     While I’m honestly scared and terrified of the work ahead of me, I see small glimpses of the person I am working to become and I LOVE HER.  For the first time in a long time, I LOVE MYSELF for what I am in this moment, for what I’m willing to do for myself and for the amazing person I will continue to become.     My promise to you, to be as transparent and honest as I can be during this journey while respecting the privacy of others.  I may not always be able to share intimate details of my marriage etc, I will share what is appropriate along the way.  Thanks for joining me along the ride for the next step in my journey.  Hold on tight cause it might be bumpy, but that’s what makes it exciting right?!

Unstoppable “continuing to find myself” Mariah