Monday, June 6, 2011

Finding Courage

This is a difficult post for me to write, but at the same time, I believe giving light to my feelings is the first step in freeing myself from the burdens.  Since the Mother's day 5K started to uncover emotions I didn't really know where there.  The One Million dollar question I've been pondering has been eating away at me and I've been terrified to really know the answer because of what it might mean.    Typically when I get to this point emotionally I don't go much farther, instead I burry it deeper, put on a smiling face and suck it up.   So today, I asked myself the good old Dr Phil Question, "How's that working for you?".  Well given being stuck on weight loss and overly emotional, I would have to admit, not so great.  Big surprise right?! :)  The big question that's been on my mind, is "why am I not willing to give my healthiness journey (nutrition, exercise, weight loss and mental health) a 100% effort?".  Seemingly a simple question but I have uncovered rather complex answers.  Again at this point, normally I shut down, stop talking and ignore the issue; but instead, I'm going to be really honest and open with myself and all of you.  I'm no longer going to fear the answer, I'm going to embrace it for what it's worth and overcome it.  This is a HUGE step for me and an amazing NSV.  So hold tight, cause here we go.
After reading some fellow bloggers posts I started being able to put words and meaning to some of my feelings.  I often feel inadequate and that no matter what I do, it feels like it’s never enough.  I often question myself and think to myself that I’m not a good enough daughter, sister, mother, wife, employee, student . . . the list goes on and on.  You might notice a re-occurring theme in my blogs, I often talk about defining success as that’s one of my biggest struggles, not feeling successful at what I do.  With that said, deep down inside I do believe I’m a really good person.  I’m compassionate, loving, caring and giving, how can I not feel good enough and what does that even mean?  Why don’t I feel good enough, why don’t I feel like I measure up and what am I measuring against?  What is the measure of success in this?  Why am I afraid if I give 100% that I’ll still fail.
I starting thinking about times in my life when I gave 100% and still felt like I failed.  I remembered a few times when I tried my hardest in a heated conversation to do and say the right thing, but had what I deem as a failed result.  Times when I feel like I tried to be the best Mom, but failed.  I have a great humorous example of that one.  Hannah wanted rye bread for sandwiches a few years ago.  This is when we struggled to get her to try new foods, I jumped at the chance to get her to eat it, she wanted a peanut butter sandwich with rye bread.  I proudly spread the PB as I packed her lunch that day.  In my head, I was thinking SUCCESS, whoo hooo, can you tell I don’t really eat rye bread.  If I did eat rye bread, I would have been able to have an idea of what might come next.  A call from school, the poor girl threw up in the lunch room when she tried her rye PB sandwich.  Opps, while she recovered just fine and has no perminate scaring or long lasting damage, I caulk that up to one to a Mariah Mom Failure.  In fact, I’m going to have to ask her tonight if she even remembers it.  It still does make me giggle some.  I’ve had times where I’ve ate the right amount of calories, exercised and drank lots of water and still gained weight the next day, 100% effort and yet I feel like a failure. 
The one example that really stood out to me was that while I’ve come to terms with what the future means since the death of my son Joey and other pregnancy losses, I learned today that I haven’t come to terms with other aspects of it.  I love my life with Paul and Hannah.  I’ve come to accept and even enjoy us being the 3 mustaskateers.  While I miss each pregnancy and love the children that would have been born, I love and enjoy my life as it is now.  Paul, Hannah and I rock together, we work together, it feels right for us and natural.  So in my mind, I thought I was fully healed and had moved on.  It came as quite a surprise to me when I realized part of what I’m feeling now, ties back to pregnancy losses.  Those feelings are associated with me doing everything “right” during each pregnancy and still not being able to carry to term.  What I see as a HUGE FAILURE in my eyes, how could this happened, how could those pregnancies fail when I did everything right?  This goes back to not feeling like I did enough, that no matter what I did, I failed.  I gave trying to have another child more than 100%, I put my body and emotions thru hell and back to build our family and it wasn’t enough.   This has totally caught me by surprise, I feel like I’m in such a good place with where we are at as a family, I was taken back my the emotions I hadn’t dealt with tied my feelings of failing.   Again, this is by no means the only thing I feel like I gave 100% and failed at but it’s one that stands out the most and in all honesty, I think it hurts the most.
Giving 100% and feeling like I failed makes me feel like I have no control over the results.  It’s not about the pregnancies really it’s about feeling like I don’t have the control to be successful.  That it’s out of my hands.   I’m so scared right now that if I give 100% in my healthiness journey and that I will still fail (not make my times, not loss weight etc)  Where does that leave me?  I’m not a quitter, I’m not willing to give up, I’m not throwing the towel in.  No inspiring quote I read will fix this for me, I need to deal with the feelings to move forward.  I know that I can define success and sometimes that really works for me, but right now, it’s just not working for me and it’s a struggle much outside of that.  I know I’ve come a far way, I’m proud of my accomplishments. I keep thinking to my last post and my picture, I’m so much farther and stronger than I was a year ago, but yet I am still struggling to feel that it’s enough.
While this post is a little dark, I promise you and more importantly I promise myself to not give up.  Right now, I just needed to be open and honest to take my first steps in figuring this out so I can become who I know I want to be.  I’m confident that while I don’t see the light yet, that there is one at the end of this tunnel.  My favorite poem is footprints in the sand.  I know I’m not alone, I’m just not strong enough to do it on my own right now and that’s okay.    
Unstoppable "finding courage" Mariah

3 comments:

  1. Wow. That's a lot to be feeling. **hugs** You are not alone in your journey, there are a bunch of us standing behind you ready to catch you when you fall. Keep your head up and keep pushing forward. You'll get there, we all will!

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  2. We can thank human nature for that one. Realizing that you don't have total control is huge...in many aspects of life. Good to remember the Footprints. You are amazing, Mariah, with so many efforts that have turned into great successes. You're unstoppable!

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  3. Oh my gosh, Mariah, DID I WRITE THIS POST?

    I am not kidding you, 2 days ago, I wrote a post (not published) about ALL of the times I've tried something - sports, music, etc. and given 100% and come up unsuccessful. And the conclusion is that if I give LESS than 100% (i.e. half-ass it), then if I fail, I can say, "oh well, I guess I didn't try hard enough" instead of saying "yes, I tried 100% and I still wasn't good enough".

    You and I, lady, we are kindred spirits. Going through the EXACT same thing. These emotions are SO DIFFICULT to work though, and sometimes the only thing that helps me keep moving forward (and not drive myself to the nearest chinese buffet) is that other people - beautiful, wonderful, amazing people, like you - are going through the same thing. And I am not alone.

    No advice. Only the love and feeling of support and community. We are doing this TOGETHER. We got this.

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