Thursday, September 22, 2011

My New Defining Word

I just figured out that I'm courageous.  It sorta hit me out of the blue.  I've been really working to "feel the feeling" and then let it go.  This is a powerful and frightening thing for me.  It's two fold for me, 1- being willing to actually feel, live and accept the "feeling", that my friends is hard for me, 2- by allowing myself to feel it, I am able to let it go.  "Feeling" is uncomfortable for me, well no, let me be more specific, feeling what some might perceive as negative emotions is uncomfortable for me.  In some ways I have no idea how to deal with those emotions other than to shut them out.  This has not worked for me, this is why I gained my weight.  Shutting down doesn't work, those emotions manifest themselves in some way, shape or form and not in a good way.  Accepting my emotions for what they are is scary and uncomfortable but it's been has been increabiblely powerful and freeing.

One example is the TC running events coming up.  I am signed up for the 5K and Paul is signed up for the 10K.   There will be no 5K for me; I kept trying to ignore the feelings I was having about not being able to participate.  The more I ignore feelings the more I feel the need to stuff them away, working out used to help me with that.  No working out means oh my gosh I need to EAT my feelings to stuff them down . . . . or I can "feel the feeling".  I was angry and frustrated that I can't participate; I allowed myself to feel that, without feeling guilty for those feelings and moved on.  I am now nothing but beyond proud and excited to see Paul do his 10K.  It's the first time I've been a true spectator for Paul in an event.  I love that I get to watch him and cheer him on.  He's an amazing runner and I love to see what emerges within him when he runs.  By allowing myself to feel the negative I'm able to focus clearly on the positive which I LOVE!!!!!!

Everyday I'm starting to see clarity in how my injury while has set me back in some ways moved me forward in so many other ways.  I don't want to hold onto negative emotions anymore.  I was to feel them and set them free because it sets me free.  It allows me to be the person I aspire to be.  I often don't give myself credit for what I've done to change my life, I forget how much courage it's taken to get to where I am.  I know I can't always prevent myself from falling, but I'm so proud that I've learned to pick myself up, dust myself off and try it again.

My weigh in at WW went great today, my initial timid and nervousness is less.  I'm down 3.2lbs, WHOO HOOO.  I'm starting to feel like I'm back on track to losing weight and am focused on using this tool until the holidays are over.  At that time I'll re-evaluate what my needs are.  I started some new goals to help me stay focus, some are long term, some are short term.

*       Loose 2lbs a week for the first month of doing weight watchers
*       Lift weights 2 days a week for my arms
*       Crunches 2 days a week
*       Start elliptical next week, 5 minutes at a time until foot feels okay, 3 days a week
*       Blog 3 days a week
*       Eat out less- come up with plan with Pauly
*       Find list of okay foods when eating out, keep in purse, wallet or car
*       Support my fellow bloggers and leave 10 comments a week on various blogs

What are your short term and long term goals?

Unstoppable "courageous- yup, that's me" Mariah


  1. I hope to see you cheer us on!! You sound like you're getting back on track and focusing. That's great! Keep at it :)

  2. Oh - so very proud of you, Mariah. I am enjoying seeing you at each step of your journey! :) Heather

  3. It truly is hard to feel the feelings! I struggle a lot of the time to FIND the feelings let alone feel them. I know they are in there but I am so walled in from who I was when I was OMG SO BIG that I don't remember how to feel a lot of the time. (Hence why I bawled through the 5k on Memorial Day I think)
    Anyway, I am so proud of you, and how you are doing. I know it is so hard to battle forward and adapt your plan to recover and keep moving with an injury. You are doing a great job! Congrats on the loss this week! Keep going, you got this because... You my dear are Unstoppable!!!