I'm dreading writing this post but know I need to work thru what's going on. Before getting to why I've been MIA from blogging I do want to send a HUGE thank you to my Tri supporters last weekend. I honestly think I may have stopped after the bike without seeing them. They even made me signs which I will post later this week. But for this post, I need to get what's bottled up out, so I can move forward instead of my stuck state that I'm in now.
After having such a high from finishing my Tri, I came crashing down. The reality of my ankle hit me. Progress in getting healed has been slow, while this was expected by others, it was unexpected for me. I'm feeling fat, flabby and frustrated. I'm unhappy with standing still in my weight loss. I'm angry about my foot and upset that it's another roadblock to reaching my goals. Until recently I've been trying to take it in stride and put it in perspective, but I seem to have lost it. I'm so mad that when I started to get running now it's pushed back for months. I know there is other things I can do, but I feel like a 2 year old having a tantrum cause I just want to run. I want what I can't have. I'm having a childish moment and not in a good way. I've really tried to not be a "WHY ME" person, but I can't help but ask why this and why now? What am I supposed to learn from this?
My PT and Ortho Dr have some different ideas of what I can and should or shouldn't be doing which is causing some uncertainty on my end. The PT doctor wants me doing basically nothing but outside my simple PT exercises (yeah, imagine that calorie burn, nada). My Ortho Dr is okay with me swimming and doing some biking as long as I can handle the pain in causes. Problem being, causes alot of stupid pain. I still can't do stairs without wincing inside. Due to my lack of progress at PT and my pain ,I asked about taking the next step at last Ortho appt. I'm seeing a non-surgical ortho dr and she really wants to hold off on surgery unless there are no other options. Right now being only 6 weeks and with as bad as I hurt my foot, it's not "unexpected" for me to be where I am. Even doing an MRI right now isn't recommended because it's best to do that 12 week after the injury due to certain things not showing up (like torn cartilage from bone) until the 12 week mark. So I wait another 6 weeks, continue PT and then at that point if things are still looking icky, MRI and in a boot for 12 weeks, if not better then, surgery at the end of Dec. She promised even with that timeline, I would be okay for next Tri season. She said during this down time to keep focused on swimming and biking as I'm able. I feel hopeless and defeated and that time is moving so slowly. I also feel alone being injured. It's not that I wish someone else was hurt, but I feel alone during my recovery process.
I know this is just one setback and I want this so bad I won't let it stop me, but I just feel so stuck and mad that I'm stuck. I'm mad that I can't seem to get over the emotions I'm feeling and focus on the great things like that I'm still down 50lb and that I'm in a better place then I was before. I know I can use this time to focus on getting my arms stronger and blah blah blah, but I'm mad. ARGHHHHH, I dislike mad. I much rather like happy.
I'll have my tantrum, I'll be mad and cry and be pissed off. Then I'll get over and focus on the good stuff. Like getting my plan together to get 30 amazing women to do the YWCA Tri next year. I look at what I can do for food choices to help with my weight loss and get into lifting weights. But for tonight, I'll be mad, angry and pissed off.
Thanks for allowing me to be honest and open. I'm so thankful to the blogging community and those who have supported me so unconditionally. I will get thru this tantrum, I know the road ahead is bumpy but I think I'll just need to invest in more padding now that I'm smaller.
Unstoppable "tantrum throwing" Mariah
Mariah - I am SO SORRY you are going through this! I can't offer any words of wisdom other than keep moving forward. Don't quit. You aren't a quitter. You will do what it takes to keep moving forward - one day at a time... heck, one HOUR at a time! You got this, girlfriend. You can do this. No quitting. You are UNSTOPPABLE MARIAH, and last I checked, you aren't letting this injury stop you, either. I believe in you!
ReplyDeleteI can kind of understand where you are coming from with my comparatively minor knee injury about a month ago. I never thought I would be one of those people that is frustrated because I can't get out and go for a run. I'm right there with Ann, just keep going! I thought I would be so much further in my training for the duathlon in September. I haven't even been able to do two workouts in one days because I did that the day I injured myself. *I'm hopeful of doing it tomorrow* Just like my blog post tonight, just keep going.
ReplyDeleteI have been sidelines twice recently and I understand what you are going to. I started WW about 1.5 yrs ago, lost 10 lbs of my goal of 30 and joined a group to train for a 5k to help speed up my weight loss. I was NEVER a runner. The morning after my first training I woke up with a sore knee. Long story short, I was off exercise for about 10 weeks. I started all over again, was able to run 2.5 miles (so close!) and had ankle pain. After a month of no exercise and regular life (2 little kids) I still had pain. It was fractured. I am now back AGAIn trying to train for a 5k...and my knee acts up. MRI was clear so its nothing serious (I hope). I would say do what you can. I totally stopped everything (at the time i didn't have a gym membership or access to a pool) and its been so hard to get started again. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteaww honey!! (big fluffy warm hugs) I am so sorry you are going through this. We are all so proud of you for what you have done up until now. I know not a single one of us would have given it a second thought if you had quit after the bike portion of the YWCA tri, We could all tell how much pain you were in.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, recovery is a long road, just live eveything else this journey is not a sprint, you are allowed to throw a tantum, but please don't give up. Please keep listening to your body, and the doctors. Do what you can but do not give up!
There are lots of options of things you can do to continue being active despite the pain and limitations that you have, we should do coffee sometime and chat.
Keep your chin up, we can get you thru this tough time!
*HUGS* You are unstoppable, inspirational and an amazing woman. You finished a Tri despite your injury, you motivate so many of us to be our best and I know you always want to be your best, too!
ReplyDeleteHaving an injury is frustrating and you definitely can throw your tantrum and get those feelings out....then let that space be overtaken by joy of how far you come, how much your friends and family support you, and the timetable for your healing..dang...its not that long! You will be racing in Tris by next spring I bet! Until then, how about some swimming? I know Kris loves her water aerobics classes! Heck, I've never done it, and I'll take some with you, just tell me when and where! Keep up the fight Mariah!