Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Peeking out from behind the rubble

Hello out there.  Yes, I'm still alive and well.  I'm stuck on how to post what I'm feeling.  There are certain discoveries that I’m uncovering, because of their sensitive nature and impact to others, blogging about it doesn’t seem fair or right.  I'm not sure the best way to explain the thoughts in my head.  While I'm stagnate in the ways of weight loss, emotionally I'm much further ahead than can be weighed in numbers.  That's not to say I have it all solved.  I'm just finally getting to working on some of the stuff I didn't even know was in the way.  I feel like my life has been turned upside down, shaking side to side and set back down.  I'm just beginning to piece things together.  It's not a bad thing; it's like putting on a new pair of glasses when you didn't realize you couldn't see before.  It shocking, amazing and beautiful, but it's hard to cope with what your eyes are seeing.  Sometimes you think your eyes are lying to you because you want to belief what you always knew to be true.

I'm at the point where many give up, throw their towel in, go back to their old ways, but my friends, I refuse to give up.  This is where Unstoppable Mariah comes charging in (hands on my hips, cape flowing in the wind).  Yes, I've come too far, love myself too much, value my life and my family too much.  I've recently starting seeing all of the amazing tools God has set before me to succeed.  It's up to me to have the courage and trust to use them.  I'm learning to be less afraid.  To trust the support system I have to catch me when I inevitable fall.  They will lift me up, brush me off, slap me on the rear end and tell me to suck it up and get back in there.  They will also be there to give me a loving hug and a shoulder to cry on.  Recently, I took a chance and trusted a dear friend with things heavy on my mind.  It was the gift of that friendship that helped me realize that it's okay to fall; it's okay to have issues, because it's part of the process.  It's part of learning how to be the best Mariah I can be.  I can overcome my fears, facing them head knowing I have peeps in my life to help me when it's bigger than me.

Two goals for this week:  1) set up an appointment with a counselor to address my anxiety, depression, and the causes of my addiction to food.  2) start an actionable workout plan with small and large goals.    The great part, I don't fear it like I used to, I'm ready for it, I embrace it.  I will trust the process, even when it's scary, dark and unknown.  We also have the Challenge Charities 5K that we are doing as a family.  I'm so very excited because a few of my blogging friends will be there too and I can't wait to see them.  Thank you for being part of my journey, your encouraging words and support.  I have a feeling the hardest and best parts are yet to come!

One last shout out, to the most AMAZING guy in the world.  Pauly, you've been great.  Thanks for loving me in all of this.   I love knowing no matter what happens in any given day, I get to curl up next to you, lay my head on your chest, close my eyes and feel so loved, warm and safe.

Unstoppable "trusting" Mariah

1 comment:

  1. I'm SO GLAD that you are pushing forward - you're right, this is WHY you are "Unstoppable Mariah". Seriously. Love you so much and I'm here for you - no matter what!! #Love