In my previous blog I talked about being in a funk and one of the contributing factors to my funk, but I wasn't quite ready to share one of the other reasons. The whole reason I started blogging was to work thru emotions and grow by sharing. Today, I challenged myself to be vulnerable and share in the effort to grow and move farther in my journey in become healthy in all aspects of my life.
The other big reason for my funk is due to a pending appointment coming up. Paul and I have an appointment on April 21st for a consult on an option for permanent birth control. We have limited options due to some of the blood clotting issues I've had while pregnant. This means no pill, hormone shots etc. While the doctors haven't been able to pinpoint the exact cause for the pregnancy losses, they are confident that it's some type of autoimmune disorder. The appointment was also ironically scheduled on the anniversary of our last pregnancy loss. During this pregnancy I gave myself heparin shots in hopes to carry to term, but unfortunately we lost the baby at 18 weeks.
Due to our limited options for birth control and the fact that being pregnant presents high health risks for me, we decided many years ago that pursuing additional pregnancies wasn't worth the risk of my life. What has caught me by surprised was how many emotions come flooding. Our life plan hasn't change, this is simply a medical procedure to ensure I'm not faced with health complications due to getting pregnant. Emotions came flooding back when I started remembering each pregnancy loss. Seriously, I've been pregnancy like 10 times, it's totally crazy to think about it. The excitement of seeing the pee stick have 2 lines or Paul, Hannah and I reading stories to the baby while all laying in bed together. For some of the pregnancies we even made it to the point of feeling the babies move. Seeing the heartbeats on the ultrasounds etc. Then my thoughts shift to the losing of the pregnancies. When Joey was stillborn, or when I had retained placenta and got a really bad infection. The bruises I got all over my belly from the shots and the times I couldn't get out of the bed because I was so sad, or when someone wouldn't know I lost the baby and they would ask how I was doing. We went to hell and back in an effort to add another member to our family. It feels surreal to think about it, because is so many ways, it doesn't feel like that's my story. I guess in so many ways, I still can't believe it all happened.
On the flip side, I wouldn't be the strong courageous person I am today without going thru the pregnancy losses. I don't think I would enjoy being a mother as much nor would take the time to enjoy each phase of Hannah's life as much as I do. I remind myself that we've got one chance at this parent thing, so enjoy each moment, each struggle and each triumph. My struggle to cope brought me to my new lifestyle and while I still don't have exactly who I am pinpointed, I do love who I'm becoming. The one missing emotion . . . guilt. It's the one feeling I learned to let go of and free myself from.
I know be in the funk I am today forever. I'm learning to deal with these emotions in health and productive way. I used to stuff my face full of food when I felt this way. I now choose to blog, eat healthy, spend time with my daughter, or some other form of relief. This shows my growth and my commitment to become the best Mariah I can be.
Unstoppable "dealing with my funk" Mariah
((huggs)) I have been there. I have endometriosis and was in premature ovarian failure at 25 by 26 I had had a lap done that did not help and it came down to either some really dangerous drugs or a hysterectomy. The chances of me having another child were very very slim and I had a hysterectomy at 26...It has now been 4 years. I still long for another child and hope to adopt one day but It does get easier. Going through that can be so hard on a relationship and on your personal emotional health. While I cant have anymore I have never gone through the loss of a child so i can only empathize with you. As im sure you know there are good days and there are bad. For me God knew what was coming shortly after this in my life and knew I already had enough on my plate without another child at the time soon having a child with type 1 diabetes diagnosis. You are strong, you can do this and be the Mariah you want to be. I believe in you!
ReplyDeleteOh Mariah, that is SOOOO much to have had to live through - and keep dealing with. I knew you had several pregnancy losses, and had lost Joey, but I had no idea there were so many. My heart breaks thinking about it. You really have become a strong person, but that is one hell of a way to get there. That you and Paul have survived together is really a testament to your love for one another. And Hannah is a delight and a testament to your parenting.
ReplyDeleteI read a quote yesterday that seems appropriate: The richest love is that which submits to the arbitration of time. (Lawrence Durrell)
Wishing you (more) strength.
Pat
I can't imagine how heartbreaking and stressful on your body and mind it was. I think it's very brave for you to allow yourself to be vulnerable on this blog. Best of luck to you!
ReplyDeleteThanks gals, after getting my feelings off my chest I'm feeling much more balanced. Thanks for your encouragement and kind words. I love the quote and will think of it often :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for you vulnerability Mariah. I have to tell you that I think about you during almost every training run that I do. Your courage and strength are an inspiration to those around. I'm certain that is not lost on your daughter, what an excellent role model you are for her.
ReplyDeleteMuch love to you my "cyber" friend!
Mariah - thank you SO MUCH for sharing this, and I am so sorry you've been through this. Jay and I haven't been married even a year yet, but getting pregnant and losing the baby is one of my BIGGEST fears! :) Thank you for showing me that life DOES go on - one way or another. You are so much stronger than you know, and you are such an inspiration.
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