Peeking out from behind the rubble

Hello out there.  Yes, I'm still alive and well.  I'm stuck on how to post what I'm feeling.  There are certain discoveries that I’m uncovering, because of their sensitive nature and impact to others, blogging about it doesn’t seem fair or right.  I'm not sure the best way to explain the thoughts in my head.  While I'm stagnate in the ways of weight loss, emotionally I'm much further ahead than can be weighed in numbers.  That's not to say I have it all solved.  I'm just finally getting to working on some of the stuff I didn't even know was in the way.  I feel like my life has been turned upside down, shaking side to side and set back down.  I'm just beginning to piece things together.  It's not a bad thing; it's like putting on a new pair of glasses when you didn't realize you couldn't see before.  It shocking, amazing and beautiful, but it's hard to cope with what your eyes are seeing.  Sometimes you think your eyes are lying to you because you want to belief what you always knew to be true.

I'm at the point where many give up, throw their towel in, go back to their old ways, but my friends, I refuse to give up.  This is where Unstoppable Mariah comes charging in (hands on my hips, cape flowing in the wind).  Yes, I've come too far, love myself too much, value my life and my family too much.  I've recently starting seeing all of the amazing tools God has set before me to succeed.  It's up to me to have the courage and trust to use them.  I'm learning to be less afraid.  To trust the support system I have to catch me when I inevitable fall.  They will lift me up, brush me off, slap me on the rear end and tell me to suck it up and get back in there.  They will also be there to give me a loving hug and a shoulder to cry on.  Recently, I took a chance and trusted a dear friend with things heavy on my mind.  It was the gift of that friendship that helped me realize that it's okay to fall; it's okay to have issues, because it's part of the process.  It's part of learning how to be the best Mariah I can be.  I can overcome my fears, facing them head knowing I have peeps in my life to help me when it's bigger than me.

Two goals for this week:  1) set up an appointment with a counselor to address my anxiety, depression, and the causes of my addiction to food.  2) start an actionable workout plan with small and large goals.    The great part, I don't fear it like I used to, I'm ready for it, I embrace it.  I will trust the process, even when it's scary, dark and unknown.  We also have the Challenge Charities 5K that we are doing as a family.  I'm so very excited because a few of my blogging friends will be there too and I can't wait to see them.  Thank you for being part of my journey, your encouraging words and support.  I have a feeling the hardest and best parts are yet to come!

One last shout out, to the most AMAZING guy in the world.  Pauly, you've been great.  Thanks for loving me in all of this.   I love knowing no matter what happens in any given day, I get to curl up next to you, lay my head on your chest, close my eyes and feel so loved, warm and safe.


Unstoppable "trusting" Mariah

Stepping outside my comfort zone

My mind has been spinning, so I’ve neglected to blog.  I’ve been reading fellow bloggers posts and it’s amazing how different and similar so many of our journeys are.  The weight loss journey is such a roller-coaster with incredible unbelievable highs to quickly falling into devastating dramatic lows.  I’m feeling like I’m starting to be on the upside of a roller-coaster after my devastating low of my foot injury.  I feel pride in the fact I keep fighting the good fight and that I’m willing to do what’s needed to continue moving forward in my journey (however slow it might be at times).  Reading other blogs encourages and inspires me.  I need to figure out how to list them on here so I can share my favorite blogger websites with you. 

I went to a conference called the Women of Faith this weekend with a group of friends.  I’ve never been to an event like this.  In an effort to grow and challenge myself I’ve been doing new things even if it’s outside my comfort zone.  I didn’t know what to expect and was really surprised how much I learned when I was there.  This proved to be an experience that I can definitely grow from.   I came home with some “to do’s” and am trying to find the courage to do them.  I’m confident that if I’m willing to take action on what I’ve learned that I will be able to move forward a stronger person and remove the barriers that have currently stalled my progress in my journey of health.

In the next few posts I’ll be sharing the steps I’ll be taking in forgiveness, ownership of self, trust, and anxiety/depression.  Just the thought of this scares me greatly yet there is an element of excitement and anticipation of relief of what it means for the big picture. 

Unstoppable “moving forward one step at a time” Mariah

Back on the Joggin’ Wagon

I’m back on the walk/jogging wagon.  It’s painfully wonderful.  On Monday night, I went about 3 miles around the park.  I did intervals with 30 seconds of slow jogging followed by 90 seconds of fast walking.  About 1/3 of the way through the mind games started, I forgot how challenging those negative thoughts are to overcome.  While physically I knew I could do it, mentally it was a whole different story.  I had forgotten my headphones at work which help to drowned out those negative thoughts.  Instead it was me and those thoughts, the words kept repeating themselves.   One particular thought really got under my skin, “What makes you think you are capable and good enough to do this?”.  This was followed by “what makes you think you are strong enough?”.  With that, I really started to wonder why in the world I thought I could do this, why I was doing this and what the value in it is.   No matter how much I tried to pump myself up, the negative kept at me.  I an effort to not let it overcome me, I decided to give myself a break and decided to just stop thinking about my emotions.  I instead focused on the sights around me.  I took it 30 seconds at a time and didn’t worry about how long it would take me or the next interval coming up.  At the last part of the run, I decided I needed to do something to prove the negative thoughts wrong.  I thought about how strong my Mom told me I was and I thought back to everything I’ve overcome.  With that, I jogged 4 minutes straight, I fought back tears of joy as I slowly and steadily jogged.  I kept my breathing steady and calm and just kept running through the feeling of uncomfortable (back pain, ankle pain, leg cramps etc).  I kicked the negative thoughts right in the BUTT, it was AWESOME!!!!!!  I’m still giddy, my first real jog in a very very long time and I jogged 4 minutes straight.   My legs are still sore today, but I joke they are just screaming saying THANK YOU.  I’m going to hop on the elliptical tonight and then back to some running again Thursday.  My goal is to jog at least 3 times a week to get ready for the Thanksgiving 5K.  I don’t think I’ll be able to run the whole thing, but it’s okay because I get to be there with my family doing it.      

Unstoppable “leg screaming” Mariah

Did you know?

In an effort to be transparent and honest as well as to share with you a little bite more about me, I came up with a list of things to share.  I'm guessing many of my readers may not know some of these things, in fact, when I started to really think about this list, some of them took me by surprise as well.

Did you know that . . . . . . . .

·         Fall is my favorite time of the season because I love the cool, crisp air and cuddling

·         Meeting new people scares the crap out of me

·         I have trust issues that I struggle to fix

·         Food fills my emotional voids

·         The sound of rain and faint thunder calms, relaxes and makes me happy beyond belief

·         Hard cries scare me because I'm afraid I won't be able to stop

·         I have problems with control and anxiety that I'm trying to let go of

·         Helping other people brings me great joy

·         I love paranormal movies that make me jump, even if I have to close my eyes and hide under the blanket

·         I often wonder why people like me and don't get when people want to spend time  with me

·         Winter blues plague me almost every March

·         I thank God every day that I have the privilege of being a Mother

·         I'm an expert avoider, just ask my husband

·         I'm more broken than I like to admit, but am coming to terms with it and learning what I need to be unbroken

·         My biggest fear is losing Belle and/or Paul

·         I dislike failing yet I hold back because my fear of succeeding is larger than my dislike of failing

·         Mondays are hard for me, if I could skip them I would, in fact I'm convinced I'll die on a Monday

·         I LOVE to cook and hope to have a "Dream" kitchen one day, when I'm done with school I'd like to take cooking classes

·         If I ever win the lottery or strike it rich, I'd set up a non-profit organization to help parents of stillborn children/infant death pay for unexpected expenses life funerals, headstones, burial, counceling, etc

·         Driving over bridges scares me so I have to close my eyes, which becomes an issue when I'm driving

·         Turns out, I actually do like working out, who knew!?!?!?!

·         I've learned to embrace my size and what I can do instead of being ashamed, I like that  I prove that a "big girl" can be a triathlete too

·         I am TERRIFIED of spiders, they make me scream like a little girl

·         I'm not a huge fan of surprises

So now you know a little bit more about me, what about you?  What’s something I might not know that you are willing to share?

Unstoppable "yeah, I'm a little crazy special" Mariah

What is the key to Balance?

I’m still struggling with life balance.  Balance with food, family, health, school, work, housework etc.   As I read other blogs and listen to those around me, I know I’m not alone in this struggle.  I need to come to terms with the fact that this will most likely always be a struggle of some sort and at times I’ll do better than others.   The moment I start excelling at one area, another seems to fail.  I have learned to come to appreciate the importance of holistic balance, it’s as essential to success in life as breathing is to survival in life.   
I’m slowly getting back into working out.  I plan to hit it harder next week as my ankle has also been slowly getting more swollen as I increase my activity.  Again, it goes back to balance.  Learning where that line is can be difficult as it moves as well.  Paul, Belle and I will be going out around the park Saturday for a family walk/jog, I’m really excited.  I miss and love that time together as a family.
 
Belle had conferences last night and it reminded me how blessed we are as parents.  School comes pretty natural to Hannah.  She excels at Math/Science and does really well in reading as well.  I joke with her that when I get to my college math classes I’ll be going to her with help, turns out it’s not so much of a joke as it will be reality as she’s already testing at a high school level. 
 
The past few weeks Paul and I have talked more about the Disneyworld Marathon in January 2013.  Tentatively we will be going 1/7/2013-1/11/2013 or 1/12/2013 with the marathon being on 1/08/2013.  I’ve gone back and forth with running the ½ but just don’t think it’s the right time for me. As we started looking at budgets, cost etc, it started hitting us.  Paul is going to run a marathon, it’s no longer a “one day” I want to do this.  It’s a holy cow on 1/08/2013 Paul will be running 26.2 miles.  I’m so proud of him.  I can’t wait to see his transformation in the next 14 months.  There are several race dates set aside for him to build up to the marathon, in March he’ll be doing a 10 Mile, next October the monster dash ½ marathon and then to Disney for the full Marathon.
 
I myself am focus on getting back to 5K’s.  This weekend I’m hoping to get a little jogging in, next year my goal is to complete my first 10 Mile run.  I’m proud and excited for this.  I dream of being able to do an international distance Triathlon.  It’s great to have goals on our calendars help keep us accountable on a daily/weekly basis.  Both Paul and I do better when we register for events to keep us in line.
 
Unstoppable “learning the balance act” Mariah

Guest Post- Paul Bautch 10K

My running journey began almost a year ago. I signed up for a class on how to run a 5K and with my class fee, I was signed up to run a 5K. I was very nervous and apprehensive. During the running classes, we would go out for a mile and a half and run for about 10 minutes at a time. I thought I would collapse. We gradually increased the running time and distance. By the end of the training, I was very scared to run the 5K. The day of the 5K came. I worked that day and had the run after work. I was very worried about running the 5K. I just decided that I was going to run the whole thing. I ran my first 5K and ran the whole way.

After a year, I’ve now run my first 10K. As you can imagine, I was very apprehensive. The park, behind our house, has a three mile looping path. It’s easy to run (nearly) a 5K. I’ve only run twice around, so far. Each time, I think I would run two times around, I would come up with an excuse to run only once.

My biggest problem is and has been random thoughts popping into my head. The thought that my leg hurts, so I should stop. The thought that I’m a little tired, so I should stop. The thought that I’m too thirsty to continue, so I should stop. My training has been just about the same amount of running as it is training my mind to think of something else and getting those random thoughts out.

Like Mariah, I’ve been struggling with eating lately. I’ve gained some weight back. Even with my weight gain, I still ran the entire 10K, in the time that I wanted. I wanted to come in under one hour and ten minutes. I finished in one hour, eight minutes, and 57 seconds!

Mariah and I are contemplating hitting the gym this weekend. My first thought was “I’m going to run on the treadmill. I’m going to run as much as I want” Then I thought “What If I get tired? What if I get bored?” I can do it. I can run as much as I want. I’m going to train to do a marathon and I’m going to lose the weight I want. Because I decide what I do and I’m the only one who can stop me.

Paul “10K runnin’” Bautch

Who are those people in the pictures?

Paul and I have both been struggling with food choices and realizing how far we’ve come.  While logically we can describe and list how different our lives are, we often look in the mirror and can’t see it.  When we look at our bodies we are overly critical which leads to setbacks.  I notice rolls on my stomach, my large thighs and arms, my junk in the truck etc.  Because our weight loss has been 2 plus year journey, it’s hard to see day to day changes.  I had a HUGE shock today when I found my pre-tri pictures from 2009.  To show how much we’ve both changed I’ve include Pauly pics as well.

I plan to print these pictures out and hang them up in a few places.   It helps remind me what I’m working towards and how far I’ve come.  It helped make me realizes that it’s been worth the 2 plus year investment and if it takes me just as long to loose another 50, it’s well worth it.

Unstoppable “picture loving” Mariah

Confession

I have a confession to make, I’m a food addict.  This week was tougher then it has been in a while with food.  I was up 1lb this week due to my poor food choices.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the end of the world.  The great part is that I’m really working on feeling the feelings.  I’m just still working out the kinks.  I was so numb before it sometimes becomes overwhelming to feel so much now.  I need to continue to ask myself “what the hunger is really telling me?”   If it really a need for food or a need to stuff my emotions down.  If it’s emotions, I am trying to figure out what I’m feeling and the cause of it to deal with the cause.  I’m so confident that when I figure this out, I will really unlock something powerful.

This past week I’ve had so many questions running thru my head.  Since I no longer live in a numb fog and starting to learn so much more about myself, I’m starting to question my life in different ways then I ever have before.  I feel like my journey, my struggles have a bigger purpose to them.  A co-worker of mine (Jerry Eklund) had MS and passed away from cancer.   Instead of his faith withering away, it grew stronger than it ever was.   He wrote a passage that was in his memorial card at the service. 

I believe God has a divine plan

And purpose for His creation.

The universe is unfolding as He planned.

No plan of His can be thwarted.

I believe God has a plan for my life,

And it is unfolding as He planned.

I believe God allowed me health challenges

Into my life to mold me for His service.

He knows what’s best for me.

I will bear the suffering because

It is His will that I should.

His wisdom appointed this for me.

His grace will make it work for good to me.

He’s molding me to be more like His Son.

He’s deepening and strengthening

My faith and trust in Him.

He’s making my dependence

On Him more completed.

He’s using my journey to influence

The journey of others.

Jerry Eklund

I wonder what my life will unfold, where I will end up, how I can continue to pay it forward.  What can I do to make a difference in the world?  Do I have the courage to rise to the challenge and overcome my struggles?  Will I stop fighting God’s plan for me and accept it?  Will I learn to stop being afraid and learn that my support system will catch me when I inevitably fall as it’s all part of learning to get back up?  Do I have what it takes to get over being emotional addicted to food?  Like I said, lots of questions running thru my mind, but it’s great because I’m allowing them to be there.  I’m allowing myself to think about it, I’m allowing myself to look for the answer.  

I will leave you with some wonderful news, today is my first total no boot day.  My foot is weak but my pain level is only a 2.  I’m so happy to be getting back on my feet.  Tomorrow Paul runs his first 10K, I’m so proud and happy for him.  He’s come so far and is amazing.  I get tears in my eyes when I think about it, I’m so happy to continue to watch him in his journey and thankful to be part of it.  I’ve even convinced him to write a guest post about his run tomorrow.

Unstoppable “overcoming food addiction” Mariah

My New Defining Word

I just figured out that I'm courageous.  It sorta hit me out of the blue.  I've been really working to "feel the feeling" and then let it go.  This is a powerful and frightening thing for me.  It's two fold for me, 1- being willing to actually feel, live and accept the "feeling", that my friends is hard for me, 2- by allowing myself to feel it, I am able to let it go.  "Feeling" is uncomfortable for me, well no, let me be more specific, feeling what some might perceive as negative emotions is uncomfortable for me.  In some ways I have no idea how to deal with those emotions other than to shut them out.  This has not worked for me, this is why I gained my weight.  Shutting down doesn't work, those emotions manifest themselves in some way, shape or form and not in a good way.  Accepting my emotions for what they are is scary and uncomfortable but it's been has been increabiblely powerful and freeing.

One example is the TC running events coming up.  I am signed up for the 5K and Paul is signed up for the 10K.   There will be no 5K for me; I kept trying to ignore the feelings I was having about not being able to participate.  The more I ignore feelings the more I feel the need to stuff them away, working out used to help me with that.  No working out means oh my gosh I need to EAT my feelings to stuff them down . . . . or I can "feel the feeling".  I was angry and frustrated that I can't participate; I allowed myself to feel that, without feeling guilty for those feelings and moved on.  I am now nothing but beyond proud and excited to see Paul do his 10K.  It's the first time I've been a true spectator for Paul in an event.  I love that I get to watch him and cheer him on.  He's an amazing runner and I love to see what emerges within him when he runs.  By allowing myself to feel the negative I'm able to focus clearly on the positive which I LOVE!!!!!!

Everyday I'm starting to see clarity in how my injury while has set me back in some ways moved me forward in so many other ways.  I don't want to hold onto negative emotions anymore.  I was to feel them and set them free because it sets me free.  It allows me to be the person I aspire to be.  I often don't give myself credit for what I've done to change my life, I forget how much courage it's taken to get to where I am.  I know I can't always prevent myself from falling, but I'm so proud that I've learned to pick myself up, dust myself off and try it again.

My weigh in at WW went great today, my initial timid and nervousness is less.  I'm down 3.2lbs, WHOO HOOO.  I'm starting to feel like I'm back on track to losing weight and am focused on using this tool until the holidays are over.  At that time I'll re-evaluate what my needs are.  I started some new goals to help me stay focus, some are long term, some are short term.

*       Loose 2lbs a week for the first month of doing weight watchers
*       Lift weights 2 days a week for my arms
*       Crunches 2 days a week
*       Start elliptical next week, 5 minutes at a time until foot feels okay, 3 days a week
*       Blog 3 days a week
*       Eat out less- come up with plan with Pauly
*       Find list of okay foods when eating out, keep in purse, wallet or car
*       Support my fellow bloggers and leave 10 comments a week on various blogs

What are your short term and long term goals?

Unstoppable "courageous- yup, that's me" Mariah

Oh Lunch Bag . . . Where are you?

For some reason, today started out a bit discombobulated.  I don’t have an exact pinpoint of what went wrong when other than I just kept forget things and putting them in the wrong spots.  Who knows what I’ll find where when I get home.  Belle and I jumped into to car and headed to Kidstop, I was proud that I made it out the door in one piece.  It was only after I was almost to Kidstop thinking about my delicious food in my lunch bag and how great I was feeling about my points for the day and it hit me . . . .my lunch bag never made it down the stairs with me.  My poor lonely sad lunch bag filled with wonderful food all calculated out was sitting on the chair at home.

This presented a new “opportunity” for me to figure out good food choices in our work cafeteria.  For breakfast I had an egg white ham & cheese omelet and toast.  Lunch provided a bigger challenge but I ended up with a Taco Salad with no chips.   I’m trying to ignore the candy corn calling me from my neighbors desk . . . EAT ME, EAT ME, EAT ME, I did eat a few pieces and logged them as points but for the rest of the day, I will tell that darn corn to shut the heck up.  I’m doing great on my water consumption and am already at 68 ounces.   Great part about drinking so much water, it also helps me get more activity in because I’m making so many trips to the rest room.  Win/Win right J

Lunch is over and I’m back at it.  Hope all is going well with everyone out there!

Unstoppable “forgetful” Mariah

How much is a point worth?

I’ll come clean and admit I haven’t been the best at counting my points since starting weight watchers but I promised to get on track and with the program this week.  We went grocery shopping this weekend and it hit hard what it’s like to be on a regimented program.  It’s not that I haven’t been aware of what I’m eating, however I haven’t been counting calories etc.  In general, I know what good choices and bad choices are.  I’m also not accustom to paying attention to carbs, normally I look at calories, fat, fiber and sodium.  The new Weight Watchers Points Plus focuses on Carbs, Protein, Fat and Fiber. 

When I first pulled out my handy dandy ww calculator I was beyond mortified.  I was trying to be as discrete as I could as I plugged in the numbers to figure out how many points things were.  Paul and Belle wanted to help out and discreet when out the window.  Granted we weren’t yelling across the store or anything, but Belle wanted to help punch the numbers in, so that required us to tell her the numbers as she called out carbohydrates, protein, fiber, fat.  Then you try to figure out, is it worth the points?  My mind started spinning at I felt like I was back at square one of my journey.  At times, I wanted to melt down, cry and scream this sucks and it’s unfair.  Then I realized I needed to grow up and live in reality.  I’m still significantly overweight.  I have limits on my working out until my foot gets better.  I need a program to help get me thru the next few months if I want to be successful.  I must be accountable in order to loose weight.  While I’m using this program as a tool, I’m NOT on a DIET.   I’m on a healthiness journey using different tools at different times as needed to succeed. 

Paul is very supportive, which is beyond helpful as I hear horror stories of husbands/significant others who put up obstacles on their wife/girlfriends in their effort to get healthy.  He packs my breakfast in the morning (I know lucky gal- smiling as I type that) and he writes down the points or weight of my food.  This is where I am and I will own it, because I’m worth it.

Unstoppable “point counting” Mariah

Reflecting & MRI Results

Yesterday marked the 9 year anniversary of the passing of my son Joey.  In so many ways in seems like a million years ago, but when I really reflect on that day, emotions comes flooding back of how devastating that day was.  With how comfortable and happy I am with the way my life is turning out, I was taken back on how the tears quickly came to my eyes and I realized how much I still miss him.  Sometimes the whole thing seems so surreal and I have a hard time connecting or identifying myself as a person who has gone thru the loss of a baby.  I guess I’ve come to the reality that I will always have that pain and hole in my heart.  There will always be a piece of me missing until I see him again one day.  I try to let myself feel whatever I feel that day without judgement.  It is the day I often think what would life be like if he wouldn’t have died.  Would he look like Paul, would him and Belle be good friends?  How would Belle be different with a sibling?  Would he have been a Mama’s boy?  What would it have been like with Paul and I trying to balance life with 2 children?  I also wonder if he realizes that while I love my life today, I love him so darn much and my arms still ache to hold him.   

I’m also amazed how far we’ve come as a family and how day to day life got back to a new “normal.  While it took me a long time to get to where I’m at today, I’m proud of who I am and the person I continue to become.  I love my life with my family and enjoy being part of Hannah growing up.  I know I wouldn’t be who I am today without the lessons I’ve learn from Joey’s short but important life.  As I watch Hannah grow it’s a daily reminder how blessed and what a privilege it is to be her Mom. 

I got my MRI results back and it came back similar to what I feared in my last post and guess what, I’m still alive and kicking.  No surgery right now, but a decent possibly of surgery in the future.  I trust my doctor 100% and promised God I would trust the findings and not second guess things.   MRI results showed bad high ankle sprain, possible hairline foot fracture, some bruising of the bones (called marrow edema) and degenerative peroneal tendonitis.  It was way cool because she showed me the MRI pictures and then showed me on my foot where the injuries were. 

High ankle sprains tend to be slow healers but I should be back to myself in another 3 months.  I have 3 tendons that were impacted by the sprain.  They found moderate marrow edema on the lateral aspect of the cuboid but weren’t able to see a definite fracture line because of the fluid in the bones.  They recommended doing a CT if I have ongoing issues, but hopefully the next few weeks bring good healing.  I also have a few other areas of mild marrow edema but no concerns with fractures there.  I will have a full happy and danceable recovery from my sprain.   

The degenerative peroneal tendonitis showed flattening of my peroneus brevis tendon with some small tearing within the tendon itself.   It’s also showing edema around the area.  The tears unfortunately will not heal, however we hope to keep it at bay as well as we can as long as we can.  The swelling should calm down in time.  Tendinitis is why my foot gave out in the first place and I’ve had issues with it for years.  It’s not uncommon for someone with degenerative peroneal tendinitis to just have their tendon split or tear completely with a small twist and fall.   Good news, this sprain didn’t tear it completely or even split if.  Ideally I won’t injury myself again but realistically that’s another story. I’m trying to figure out how to not be fearful of injuring it again and letting that hold me back.  The bottom line is, I can injury it again from doing nothing like I did this last time.  Surgery right now really isn’t the long term answer.   We just need to hold out on surgery until we don’t have other options. 

I’ll still be in my boot for a while longer.  I can start taking time out of it and seeing how the pain feels, as the pain lessens more time out of the boot.  Once the ankle sprain is healed I will still need to wear my big strappy ankle brace during running and biking and some type of brace for swimming.  These are all doable and better then surgery right now!  

Goals this week, drink more water, work my arms out 2 days, go for a short walk and start logging points 5 days a week.  I also want to work on blogging at least 3 so I don’t write a book each time J

Unstoppable “reflective" Mariah

Hello . . . waving wildly :)

Hello my long lost friends.  As you can tell, blogging has been a challenge for me lately.  I’m out of my “routine” but starting to settle into a new one with my foot injury.  Since my last post, I’ve been to the dentist for the first time in years (WHOO HOOO), been back to PT, thrown for my first time on a potter wheel, scheduled an MRI and a follow up, signed up and went to my first weight watchers meeting.  It’s been a busy week full of great accomplishments.

I have been neglecting blogging because I’m somewhat lost for words.  It’s inevitable on long journeys, however just like being aware of what I eat and my activity, blogging is another key to my success.   As Ann often blogs about, I must FEEL the feeling.  I always get nervous this time of year as the Anniversary of my sons passing comes closer, normally I’m hit with huge emotions.  This year, I’m calm which causes some anxiety as I’m nervous I’ll be caught off guard by a flood of emotions. 

I found it interesting that my MRI is scheduled the tomorrow which happens to be the same day as Joey’s Heavenly Birthday.   I’ve been telling God I trust his plan for my ankle.  My biggest worry ironically is that they won’t due surgery.  I feel like surgery would fix it forever and if they don’t do surgery that I’m at risk for injuring next season just like I did this season.  Darn chronic ankle injuries.  I however I have decided to trust God’s plan for me.   It’s symbolic that I will give it all up to him tomorrow as I also have learned to trust his plan in so many other ways, particularly in aspects of my son.  I guess it’s all part of the journey right?

I also found out they need to do more dental work.  Oh yeah, I’ll never wait that long for my teeth before.  Doing this is way worse than being chicken.  I love my dentist office, they totally rock.  Since it took longer than expected they’ll do the sedation free for me this time.  It will be an even longer appointment but at least hopefully it will be my last long one. 

I may not be coming far in my “weight-loss” but I continue to find myself and come farther in my journey of finding who and what I want to be.  I love my new “calmer” self.  I like being able to take more into stride and see small glimpses into why.  I’m starting to enjoy the unknown and the surprises reviled.  I’m starting to listen more and believe in others and myself. 

I know I promised an announcement, but I’m a bit delayed in getting it composed.  I promise to get it done soon.  Just need to get a few more things out of the way first.  Thanks again for your continued support and words, they really help me thru the hard times J

Unstoppable “got me some bigger ears” Mariah

Finding a new path

Hello my friends J  It’s been an interesting past few weeks with much on my mind.  I’ve taken some time to reflect quietly about my next steps as well as just taken a much needed break from being focused on weight loss and exercise.  I’m ready to re-focus and change directions a bit.

My foot is still giving me major issues, in fact there are times I struggle making it up the stairs on nights I have class.  This means I have very little I can do for cardio.  With the said, I’m going to start focus on weight lifting with my arms.  With my latest bump, I’m finding BUD isn’t the best fit for me since cardio is out the door.  I’ve decided to join weight watchers again, because I need something different during my time off of running and biking.  It’s so hard with BUD right now, because each time I plug in, I feel sad due to my small number of steps etc.  Once I’m back on my “feet” I will go back to him.  I’m nervous about weight watchers but excited to get back on track and loose some weight.  I know I need something regimented that will hold me accountable as I’m struggling to do it on my own right now.

A friend of mine Jodi and I have been taking back and forth and offering encouragement.  We are working to get our workouts in and drinking water etc.   We work for the same company so we are able to touch base easily throughout the day reminding to drink lots of water.  She’s a stitch and so much fun.  It’s great to have friends to partner with to help keep you going.

While I feel like I’ve taken such a huge step backwards, in reality I really haven’t.  I’m less then 10lbs up and many of my food choices while not perfect aren’t what they used to be.  I eat breakfast everyday, I have given up drinking diet coke everyday and we eat do many more veggies.  Grocery shopping is a completely different experience as we shop the “outside” of the store and eat so much less processed foods.  Hannah eats so much better as well.    I’m also still so much happier then I was 2 years ago.  My marriage is stronger and I’m more in love with my husband as ever, all thanks to both of us finding and deciding who we want to be.

I’m excited to announce a NSV of going to the dentist.  Okay, for most people the dentist is no big deal, to me, it’s terrifying.  Like full blown anxiety attack, crap my pants, I’d rather die before I go, I hate the dentist.  I cracked a tooth and really just needed to go.  I have an appointment Friday to get a bunch of dental work done and they will be giving me some medication and I’ll basically sleep the whole time.  I am really excited  to get my smile back and feel more confident about my teeth.  The closer it gets, the more nerves I get, but I'm so proud I'm going and know I can do this.

I have an appoitment at TRI tommorrow, hopefully I’ll have more of an idea of the direction we’ll go next with my foot.  Regardless of that, I’m happy to know I’ve got a plan in place to help me be on track for losing weight.  I really want to be in a good groove for the holidays so that I stay strong and away from adding on holiday weight.

Stay tuned for a very exciting post late in the week.  It’s been something on my mind for awhile and feel very passionite about.  My vision in starting to come together and I’ll be ready to share it soon.

Unstoppable “re-directing” Mariah

Darkness

I'm dreading writing this post but know I need to work thru what's going on.  Before getting to why I've been MIA from blogging I do want to send a HUGE thank you to my Tri supporters last weekend.  I honestly think I may have stopped after the bike without seeing them.  They even made me signs which I will post later this week. But for this post, I need to get what's bottled up out, so I can move forward instead of my stuck state that I'm in now.

After having such a high from finishing my Tri, I came crashing down.  The reality of my ankle hit me.  Progress in getting healed has been slow, while this was expected by others, it was unexpected for me.  I'm feeling fat, flabby and frustrated.  I'm unhappy with standing still in my weight loss.  I'm angry about my foot and upset that it's another roadblock to reaching my goals.  Until recently I've been trying to take it in stride and put it in perspective, but I seem to have lost it.  I'm so mad that when I started to get running now it's pushed back for months.   I know there is other things I can do, but I feel like a 2 year old having a tantrum cause I just want to run.  I want what I can't have.  I'm having a childish moment and not in a good way.   I've really tried to not be a "WHY ME" person, but I can't help but ask why this and why now?  What am I supposed to learn from this?

My PT and Ortho Dr have some different ideas of what I can and should or shouldn't be doing which is causing some uncertainty on my end.  The PT doctor wants me doing basically nothing but outside my simple PT exercises (yeah, imagine that calorie burn, nada).  My Ortho Dr is okay with me swimming and doing some biking as long as I can handle the pain in causes.  Problem being, causes alot of stupid pain.  I still can't do stairs without wincing inside.   Due to my lack of progress at PT and my pain ,I asked about taking the next step at last Ortho appt.  I'm seeing a non-surgical ortho dr and she really wants to hold off on surgery unless there are no other options.  Right now being only 6 weeks and with as bad as I hurt my foot, it's not "unexpected" for me to be where I am.  Even doing an MRI right now isn't recommended because it's best to do that 12 week after the injury due to certain things not showing up (like torn cartilage from bone) until the 12 week mark.  So I wait another 6 weeks, continue PT and then at that point if things are still looking icky, MRI and in a boot for 12 weeks, if not better then, surgery at the end of Dec.  She promised even with that timeline, I would be okay for next Tri season.  She said during this down time to keep focused on swimming and biking as I'm able.  I feel hopeless and defeated and that time is moving so slowly.  I also feel alone being injured.  It's not that I wish someone else was hurt, but I feel alone during my recovery process. 

I know this is just one setback and I want this so bad I won't let it stop me, but I just feel so stuck and mad that I'm stuck.  I'm mad that I can't seem to get over the emotions I'm feeling and focus on the great things like that I'm still down 50lb and that I'm in a better place then I was before.  I know I can use this time to focus on getting my arms stronger and blah blah blah, but I'm mad.  ARGHHHHH, I dislike mad.  I much rather like happy. 

I'll have my tantrum, I'll be mad and cry and be pissed off.  Then I'll get over and focus on the good stuff.  Like getting my plan together to get 30 amazing women to do the YWCA Tri next year.  I look at what I can do for food choices to help with my weight loss and get into lifting weights.  But for tonight, I'll be mad, angry and pissed off. 

Thanks for allowing me to be honest and open.  I'm so thankful to the blogging community and those who have supported me so unconditionally.   I will get thru this tantrum, I know the road ahead is bumpy but I think I'll just need to invest in more padding now that I'm smaller. 

Unstoppable "tantrum throwing" Mariah

Reality Check

It all started with a dream I had last night, I was jogging during my Triathlon.  I’ve missed the wonderful and amazing feeling of my feet hitting the pavement, my fat jiggling, my lungs hurting and my body sweating like nuts.  Yes, I actually miss that.  I woke up deciding it was a sign that I’m supposed to explore jogging Sunday.   I know, I’ve never claimed to be sane, rather I’m quite comfortable with my little bit of crazy.  In my mind, I was confident since I got the green light to do my Tri that for some reason it would be okay to jog some. 

I had physical therapy this afternoon and decided it would be best to test the waters on what my PT guy Ralph would think.  I’ll never forget the look on his face when I asked him if he saw any issues with me jogging Sunday, I assured him it would just be a little bit of jogging.  He looked at me as if I told him the sky was purple with pink polka dots.  His immediate answer was absolutely not.  For some reason I thought I could compromise with him on this answer.  My question back “what if it’s just a really really slow jogging, like fat girl bay watch jogging?”.  Can you guess the answer . . . of course, NO.   He had to give me some tough love.  If I would jog Sunday, I would most likely re-sprain my ankle causing extreme damage to my foot.  He told me that my foot is just too unstable at this point to even think about jogging for a few months.  Ralph also reminded me that I need to look at the big picture and how lucky I am that I’m even able to participate.  One more bad sprain and my ankle would very likely need to be fully reconstructed and quite possibly have permanent damage with the result of not running ever again.  I’ve already been told that I may need surgery on my ankle if conservative treatment doesn’t work.   However, knowing that jogging at this point, even a little bit could end it all forever, it really got me to re-evaluate where I’m at. 

I have to be honest, I’ve been hiding myself from the truth of how bad I hurt my foot.    I have it in my head that if I just decided it’s not bad, then it won’t be bad and I can just go back to normal.   This is the same behaviour I had when we kept loosing pregnancies.  I kept just ignoring what happened and the feelings associated with it, bottling it up thinking it would go away and everything would magically be better.  Yeah, that didn’t work so well now did it?!  Normally the new Mariah would do something healthy like run, bike etc to deal with these feelings, but now I’m so limited on what I can do until my foot heals.  I refuse to go back to the Old Stoppable Mariah.  I will learn new and additional ways to cope. 

I will take one step at a time and figure this out.  I will do my Tri Sunday and I’ll let go of being worried about my time and how fast or slow I’ll be.  I WILL ENJOY the fact I get to be out there and that I’m so blessed that so many people took me up on my invitation to come out.  I can’t wait to see you and I can’t wait for YOU to see what YOU can accomplish.  My foot may slow me down, but I will continue to get stronger and stronger and more unstoppable. 

Unstoppable “reality checked” Mariah