The fun continues . . . .

What a stressful week this has been.  I'm so beyond burnt out from layoffs.  It
started off Tuesday, went into Wednesday and still was going on today.  While I'm
thankful my group hasn't been impacted yet, we still don't have the all clear.  It's no
fun seeing people walk out with boxes full of their stuff or wanting to jump every time
your phone rings because it could be from a "bad room" (the layoff rooms).  The sad
news, it goes into next week as well.  I just wish they would do it in one big mass
swoop.  Maybe it could be like American Idol when they put the contestants in a room,
this room is safe, this room is done for.  Wouldn't it just be easier on everyone?   The
one big change for me from the last layoffs is how I'm responding with the stress.  While I
haven't been eating my best, I haven't eaten my family out of house and home.  Last time
I went nuts, like donuts, Mac and cheese, brownies, ice cream, chips, comfort food to the
max.  This time, I'm not eating as good as I normally do, but it's been badness in
moderation.  WHOO HOOO for me :)

I'm so excited and nervous for the Tri this weekend.  I can't believe it's almost time! 
Tonight Paul and I will start getting all of our stuff together and ready to roll.  We
talked and we are going to do this Tri sticking together.  I can't wait for the newbie's
to get a feel for what it's like to accomplish something so great.  How cool is it that
they will now be able to call themselves Triathletes?!  It's a pretty honorable title and
something amazing to be able to proclaim.  I'm really trying to focus on not being overly
worried with my time and concentrating more about this being the first real race of the
season and a check in for my fitness level.  It will help me know what and where I need
to focus on for my other events.  In some ways I still allow myself to be intimidated in
"fitness activates".  I have this mean little inner voice that I try really
hard to drowned out with positive thoughts.  I know, sounds crazy, but if I can admit I
sounds crazy I can't be too far gone.  This little mean voice mocks me about being the
BIG girl doing an athletic activity.  I wonder what real athletes think of the fat girl
trying to be athletic.  I wonder if they think I'm fooling myself or if they think I can
do it.  I wonder if they are grossed out by my larger than life bottom and legs.  Then I
remember, ahh duhhhh, I'm Unstoppable Mariah!  1- I am a real athlete, 2- they are more
worried about their times then caring about how I'll do, 3- I really don't think they
care what I look like.  So evil little voice, put a cork in it.  Cause if you don't, my
athletic bigger than life bottom is going to sit on you!

Unstoppable "voice sqwashing" Mariah

who is that girl?

I had a fantastic Easter with my family.  It was so much fun to see them and we had a great time.  I've had a really great realization the past few days.  If I don't like something about myself, I have the power to change it.  If I want to do something or be something, I can make it happened.  Okay, I know this might sound really logical, and its been something I've told other people.  The thing is, now I really believe it about myself.  I can do anything I put my mind to, it might take a long time, or it might take certain sacrifices, but the bottom line is, I can accomplish anything I'm willing to set my mind to and make it a priority.  What a freeing thought?! 

With this thought came the desire to explore something I've always wanted to do, but thought as a "fat girl" I couldn't.  Paintball!  So after a few beers and card playing, I asked my little brother Scotty to shoot me with a paintball gun, I wanted to see if I had the guts.  Turns out I totally do, Thanks Scotty for the test.  Why let my size stand in the way of doing something I really want to try, I'm going to play paintball and I don't care if my butt is a big target :) 

Speaking of paintball, I ran into my friend Priya in the parking lot today.  She's going to join me in paintballing!  While Paul doesn't know this yet, I think of Priya almost every time I get frustrated with him (he'll know now, cats out of the bag).  Priya lost her husband unexpectedly and quickly this past year.  I'm amazed at her courage and ability to wake up everyday and put a smile on her face.  She has two small children and I can't begin to imagine the challenges she faces on a daily basis.  When I get frustrated with Paul, I think of Priya and how much she misses her husband and remind myself that life is short and I try to put it in perspective.  What amazes me is how many of the same feelings she has going thru her grieving process and I did with mine.  They are totally different losses, but yet so many of the same strange and unexpected feelings come up.   I'm looking forward to getting to know Priya even more and growing closer to her. 

I also had a chance to see my old team.  It was so much fun and it was pretty cool hearing so many people be amazed at my new skinner self.  I'm somewhat curious to see if they noticed to more confident sure of herself Mariah too.  Sari had her first day back since her last chemo treatment and she looks totally FAB.  I really hope that if I ever get cancer and have chemo, my bald head is 1/2 as cute as hers.

I love my new adventurous side, I used to be so play it by the book, safe and secure blah blah blah.  I'm staring to not be afraid to "fail" because I guess in so many ways I don't feel like a failure when I fall.  I just brush the dust off and jump again, next time, I just try to cushion the blow.  I wonder if this new feeling will last and if so, what it will bring :)

Unstoppable "adventure seeking" Mariah

Bonus!

I'm starting to feel like normal, I have yet to sound like normal, but it's okay, it will come in the next few days.  I actually miss working out that causes me to breath hard.  Crazy huh?  I'm hoping I'll be back by Monday as next Saturday is the big free Triathlon. 

I left work a little early yesterday to meet Paul at the doctor's office for our appt to discuss permanent birth control.  While I had been dreading it all week and it had gotten off to a rocky start, it turned out to be quite an interesting and somewhat humorous event.  At the end of the day, I'm feeling much more comfortable and ready for this step then I did last week. The biggest thing I'm feeling at this point is now relief, an unexpected and welcomed emotion. 

After the appt, we dropped Belle of at her first group sleep over (11 other tween girls).  Paul and I then met up with the Laughlin's to celebrate Angela's 30th B-day.  We stopped at Pittsburgh Blue for happy hour and I had the most delish pomegranate martini.  I tried to nurse my drink because about 1/2 thru it I realized I was getting tipsy.  My new healthy lifestyle uncovered a BONUS, I'm now a cheap drunk.  Before I used to be able to be almost fishlike before feeling much, now 1/2 martini and I'm giggling like a schoolgirl.  We then headed to awesome flippy food for a great dinner and conversation.   It was great being part of celebrating Angela turn 30.

We tried to sleep in this morning, but a downfall of my healthy lifestyle is not being able to sleep in for hours on end like I used to.   I love the extra energy, but I do love sleeping in.  We were both up by 7:00, but did spend some time cuddling in bed and talking.  I missed Hannah like crazy, but it was really fun with it being just Paul and I for most of the day.  The house isn't the same without her, it did give me a glimpse into the future of what life would be like once she's grown an on her own.  Bittersweet.  We did a bunch of shopping and running around picking things up.  I've been surprised when trying on clothes lately.  I'm not recognizing my body in the mirror anymore.  It feels strange to see parts of my body that look almost "normal".   I still have a significant amount of weight to lose but for example, my ribcage under my chest, I'm not sure how much smaller that will ever get.  I'm so much picker about what I'll wear now and I like trying new and different clothes.  It used be be an experience I dreaded and was just willing to pick what I was able to fit into.  Now I fit into a TON more clothes but I really want to like what I'm wearing.

I'm so excited for this weekend.  Tonight we spent the evening getting this ready for St Cloud.  We are spending the night Saturday which means card play, BSing and a few beers (again, I'm cheap so this will rock).   I also am making my to die for crepes for my family and I can't wait to share them.  Paul and I promised to keep each other in balance this weekend as we are both really wanting to get to our next goals for weight.  

I'm going to try to post tmrw, but incase I don't have a chance, I wish you all a wonderful and blessed Easter.

Unstoppable "cheap drunk" Mariah

Could I be just a little bit insane?

I have been neglecting my blog lately due to other priorities but have been missing writing.  I’m recovering from a nasty cold which has me indoor bound an unable to exercise without loosing a lung J  I spent most of Monday and Tuesday sleeping in bed.  I still can't believe today is already Wednesday.

We had a fantastic weekend that started with Paul purchasing his new bike on Saturday and finding out about a FREE yes I said FREE Sprint Triathlon.   Two years ago you couldn’t have paid me to sign up and now I am so excited I can hardly stand still.   There is a whole group of us signed up, I’m only hoping I start feeling better soon so I can get a few more runs and bikes in before the event.    

Sunday we explore a new church with Heather and her family and then headed to the YMCA for weight lifting and swimming.  I’m so blessed to Heather in my life and feel honored to share new experiences with her.  I did however curse her a little both Monday and Tuesday and well, yes a little today as I’m still sore from the weights Sunday.  When I woke up Monday with a sore body, I couldn’t tell if it was from working out, or from being sick.  Afterwards, we headed to Kristi’s to pick up my newest BFF the elliptical.  I’m still thinking of a name for it.  I love to name things, I don’t know why, I guess it’s just part of my crazy Mariah personality.   After getting it home, while I had already lifted weights and  swam 1/3 of a mile, I had to break in the elliptical, so I popped on there for 15 minutes and rocked out.  Paul came home from lunch with his friend that helped us move the elliptical and he wanted to take his bike out for it’s first ride.  How could I miss that . . . so we went for a bike ride, 6 miles.   Yes, life is different than it used to be, before weekends consisted of sleeping in late, eating out, watching tv, barley moving.  Now it seems like weekends are all about getting our body's moving.   All of the working out helped me not feel the least bit guilty when splitting a piece of cake with Pauly while celebrating birthdays with the Primmer Clan.  While we struck out in being able to have more children of our own, Paul and I are very blessed when it comes to nieces and nephews.   I love being Auntie Mariah and I love seeing how much Paul is adored as an Uncle Pokey (because of his stubble on his beard).

I was adding all of my uncommon events to my calender and I counted them .  Holy cow, they’ve added up quickly.  I’m participating in 8 events this year.  Holy cats, I went from 1 event last year to 8.  Addicted . . hummm, maybe?!  While I get nervous each time I say yes to one, I also get so excited for the challenge.  Maybe I’m taking this Unstoppable Mariah to the extreme.  Me, no  . . Never J

Unstoppable “looking for a name for my elliplcital” Mariah

Shake that Funk

In my previous blog I talked about being in a funk and one of the contributing factors to my funk, but I wasn't quite ready to share one of the other reasons.   The whole reason I started blogging was to work thru emotions and grow by sharing.  Today, I challenged myself to be vulnerable and share in the effort to grow and move farther in my journey in become healthy in all aspects of my life.

The other big reason for my funk is due to a pending appointment coming up.  Paul and I have an appointment on April 21st for a consult on an option for permanent birth control.  We have limited options due to some of the blood clotting issues I've had while pregnant.  This means no pill, hormone shots etc.  While the doctors haven't been able to pinpoint the exact cause for the pregnancy losses, they are confident that it's some type of autoimmune disorder. The appointment was also ironically scheduled on the anniversary of our last pregnancy loss.  During this pregnancy I gave myself heparin shots in hopes to carry to term, but unfortunately we lost the baby at 18 weeks. 

Due to our limited options for birth control and the fact that being pregnant presents high health risks for me, we decided many years ago that pursuing additional pregnancies wasn't worth the risk of my life.   What has caught me by surprised was how many emotions come flooding.  Our life plan hasn't change, this is simply a medical procedure to ensure I'm not faced with health complications due to getting pregnant.  Emotions came flooding back when I started remembering each pregnancy loss.  Seriously, I've been pregnancy like 10 times, it's totally crazy to think about it.  The excitement of seeing the pee stick have 2 lines or Paul, Hannah and I reading stories to the baby while all laying in bed together.  For some of the pregnancies we even made it to the point of feeling the babies move.  Seeing the heartbeats on the ultrasounds etc. Then my thoughts shift to the losing of the pregnancies.  When Joey was stillborn, or when I had retained placenta and got a really bad infection.  The bruises I got all over my belly from the shots and the times I couldn't get out of the bed because I was so sad, or when someone wouldn't know I lost the baby and they would ask how I was doing.   We went to hell and back in an effort to add another member to our family.  It feels surreal to think about it, because is so many ways, it doesn't feel like that's my story.  I guess in so many ways, I still can't believe it all happened.

On the flip side, I wouldn't be the strong courageous person I am today without going thru the pregnancy losses.  I don't think I would enjoy being a mother as much nor would take the time to enjoy each phase of Hannah's life as much as I do.  I remind myself that we've got one chance at this parent thing, so enjoy each moment, each struggle and each triumph.  My struggle to cope brought me to my new lifestyle and while I still don't have exactly who I am pinpointed, I do love who I'm becoming.  The one missing emotion . . . guilt.  It's the one feeling I learned to let go of and free myself from.  

I know be in the funk I am today forever.  I'm learning to deal with these emotions in health and productive way.  I used to stuff my face full of food when I felt this way.  I now choose to blog, eat healthy, spend time with my daughter, or some other form of relief.  This shows my growth and my commitment to become the best Mariah I can be.

Unstoppable "dealing with my funk" Mariah

What a great day!

I had been in a bit of a funk the past few days and was trying to figure out how to cope.  Before when I was in a funk, I would eat.  I'm to the point in my journey where I know I don't want to use food as a coping mechanism, but am still working thru finding how to cope in healthy ways.  It was frustrating and overwhelming and I felt stuck.  Today, I got unstuck!  I did a mini indoor triathlon with friends.  It was GREAT.  I also jumped on the wii board to weight myself and it gave me a big thumbs up with -2.6lbs!  WHOO HOOOO!!!

Part of my funk came because I wasn't part of the final 10 for priorfatgirl mother edition.  I honestly had mixed feelings about it.  I was sad not to be picked, but at the same time, I'm so excited about being "Unstoppable Mariah" that I wasn't sure I was ready to give it up.  I'm feeling like I'm on the right path for me, but it's always hard to not be picked for something.  I know the other women will be amazing and have faith that I'm where I'm supposed to be right now.  I also know that just because I didn't become a priorfatgirl blogger, that doesn't make me any less amazing in my own way.  It just means it's not the right place for me at this time.  Guess you'll just be stuck reading me as Unstoppable Mariah :)  I really do love that name.

I'm so impressed and excited for how far I've come in my fitness level.  I'm doing things I never thought possible and I'm proud of the woman I'm becoming.  It was great talking to Heather, Michelle and Kristi.  While we all have our own stories and paths, it's amazing to find the similarities.  I find such power in "female" bonding.  The crazy part is I was completely stressed and worried before I did the indoor triathlon today.  I can't figure out why I get all freaked out before hand.  I'm hoping my success today helps me find calm for when we do it again in the future.  I guess in so many ways I'm worried I won't do well enough.  Which is just silly to worry about, the fact I have the courage and strength to go swimming, biking and walk/jogging on a Sunday morning, means I'm a winner, winner chicken dinner!  Guess what else I was able to do today, I did 2 miles walk/jog in 30 minutes.  That's 15 minute miles.  My goal for 5k's and the Triathlons. 

Afterward we stopped for lunch at a cute family owned restaurant.  The food and conversation were fantastic.  I mentioned to Kristi how much I love the elliptical.  She happened to have one she's looking to sell.  I went and looked at it, and YUPPIE, my loving husband agreed to let me get it.  I can't wait to bring it home.  I think it's going to become almost as beloved as BUD.  It's the one thing that will get me out of bed early. 

Unstoppable "one more Tri bites the dust" Mariah

New friends = New Challenges

My new friend Ann challenged me to think about why I say I “hate” running.   Exploring this question was powerful and enlightening.  I was completely unaware of how much meaning I’ve connected to running.  For unknown reasons I’ve chosen to use how “well” I jog/run as my measurement of success.  I think what makes this more difficult is that I’m not realistic or fair to myself in how I define success in running either.  No wonder I “HATE” running!   I never felt successful in fat girl bay watch jogging because I never felt I was fast enough, went far enough, or enjoy the experience enough.  Who knew such a simple question could be so powerful?   I need to measure against myself and no one else and I need to have realistic expectations and goals for jogging.  When you look at where I started for jogging, I could barely walk a mile, much less fast walk/jog a 5k.  So why am I so hard on myself that I can’t “jog” for a full mile yet?   So tonight I tried something new, every time I felt like saying I hate this jogging, I instead questioned myself and why I hated it.  I walked/jog 1.5 miles tonight and, guess what?!  IT WORKED!!!  Thank you Ann!  

It’s hard to change your life, but I remind myself daily it’s worth it.  While it’s getting easier not to fall back on old habits, I do find them creep up occasionally and they call out to me.  Remember how easy it was when you didn’t care?  I remind myself; no it wasn’t easy because I was unhappy.  Now I’m happy and challenged.  You don’t grow when it comes easy, you grow when it’s hard and you are willing to overcome it.  

Unstoppable “challenging myself” Mariah

Failure or Success?

I'm laying in bed eating popcorn and drinking sugar free Crystal Light as I type this.  Good Golly Miss Molly was it a long flippen Monday.  I dislike Monday's in the first place, but today was a doozie.  The great part about that, tomorrow will be better.  I actually like getting bad days out of the way, because I love what comes after them.

I had plans to go out jogging after work, I yawned all afternoon and kept telling myself a jog after work and before dinner was the key.   I would then be ready for homework and a quick episode of 30 Rock with my guy and a great night sleep..  Hummm, it's a little after 8, no jog and no homework.  Instead I played on facebook, caught up on emails, shopped on ebay and watched a little TV.   I'm so darn beat I just wanna lay down and cuddle in bed.  I'm trying to decide if this is an example of balance or laziness failure.  I've schedule in jogging Wednesday and Thursday, Pam and I will do our 5K Saturday and I have the mini Tri Sunday with my Tri gals.  I worked out both Saturday and Sunday.  So I think I'll chalk up my cuddliness to bad weather and a success.  It means balance . . right? 

Time to get Belle ready for bed and then some 30 Rock with my boy and to bed by 9:30, I'll be refreshed in the am, ready for work and a full night at school! 

Unstoppable "chill'n like a villain" Mariah

New Definitions

Oh my goodness am I sore as I type this.  While I enjoy knowing my sore muscles are from working my body hard, plain and simple, it's still pain.  Yeahhh for candy coated Advil!   I'm trying to figure which part of my body is sorest.  Pretty sure it's my butt, my legs and arm are a toss up for second place.  Yesterday Pam and I did our 5k routine. Today, I went swimming with Heather, Paul and Belle. I think we swam about 1/2 mile, but I kinda lost track.  It's hard to count laps, breath, kick, much less to it all at the same time.   Hannah even joined in the fun and did 4 laps in the pool.  Three with me (2 with a kick board, 1 with my help) and one with Pauly with a kick board too.  It was fun to watch her and see how more darning she is now that Paul and I are more willing to take chances and challenge ourselves with fitness.

I'm beginning to notice how much my new lifestyle impacts my relationships.  One example is with my husband.  I've been reading about weight loss and it's effect on marriage.  It's not uncommon for divorce to occur when once spouse gets healthy and "re-defines" themselves.  I'm very thankful Paul and I are on this journey together.  He asked me today if I remember why he started losing weight.  I stared at him blankly.  Honestly, I had forgotten, he told me he had made a commitment when I sighed up for my Tri.  That he would train and support me the whole way, after he said that, I did remember.  I know he's been 110% support of me in every aspect in my journey, even the aspects he doesn't understand.  It brought tears to my eyes.  Just another ripple in the pond because of one positive change.  We are committed to continue to work on ourselves and our marriage.  While we may end up different people, we will get there together, holding hands at the end.  I've also started thinking about how my views and definitions have changed.  I wanted to share just a few with you.

• Friendship is showed when someone extends their hands, challenges me to be better but still loves me 100% flaws and all.
• Love is showed when my husband gets up early to make me breakfast in bed when I have to be off early in the am.  Love is also showed when he puts on socks on himself to "warm" them and then offers them to me before bed.  (I know, a little odd and maybe gross, but to me, it's romantic as all heck).
• Success isn't the number on the scale, it's the risk and efforts you take to get there.  It's not necessarily beating your time jogging or biking each time.  It's the fact you put yourself out there and are willing to keep moving forward.
• Health isn't about being skinny, it's about having a healthy mindset, a healthy body and a healthy soul.

I'm proud to say I only weighed myself 2 times during the week, I sorta cheated and weighed myself this morning.  I'll work hard this week to keep it to 2, it made a huge difference.  I feel much more calm.  I'm also finding my mindset to be much more focused on balanced health, that number will go down as I keep finding that balance.  This is a long journey, I won't wear out like the hare, I will be the happy tortoise.  Slow and steady for me, just like my jogging :)

Unstoppable "proud to be tortoise like" Mariah

WOW, I'm almost speechless

I had an amazing day and it's only 5:30pm.  The event was in so many ways indescribable, but I'll do my best to do it justice. I feel beyond blessed that I got to share my story.   It was so darn cool, I left feeling as empowered, motivated and excited as I did at the last gathering.  I love having a group of women to help support each other in their journeys.  This group so much more then about a number on the scale or how fast you can jog or bike.  Everyone supports each other openly and respects each others differences. This group is focused on the journey to finding healthy in a balanced and livable way.  Sharing my story was emotional but freeing and reminds me of how far I've come and what I've accomplished. 

After sharing my journey, Jen asked who would be willing to take on a challenge and sign up for a Tri next summer.  We had a huge group of women to sign up.  My goal is to help each one succeed in this journey.  My wheels are turning on how I can provide the same great support I received along my way.  I plan to organize some opportunities for us to run, jog and/or bike together.  I have this vision of the support and excitement we will all be able to offer each other along the way.  Someone very close to me and near and dear to my heart agreed signed up as well. I'm thrilled and can't wait to support her along her way.  Imagine having a support group the whole way during training and cheering you in as you cross the finish line.  I talked to both Heather and Michelle today.  Heather came to the gathering even after her 2 mile race today and her busy schedule, talk about feeling loved :).  I wanted to share with them how they impacted me and how I'm impacting others, and those people are impacting others in turn.  Paying it forward ten-fold.  

This new unfolding event means I will be participating in my 3rd Triathlon this summer (I really am unstoppable) so I can know what the race is like and provide people with some feedback on what to expect.  The event I'm proposing to do is the YWCA Triathlon in August.   Anyone is welcome to join me this year or to come cheer on those participating.  I'm also looking to add people to the group for next year.  You can have partners if you feel it's too much to do the whole event.  This means you can pair up with two other people and each do 1 leg (swim, bike, or run) and completed it as a team.  Come on peeps, I know you can do this, take the challenge, read about it, think about it, dream about it, DARE TO TRI! 

My husband is so amazing, last night I got cute new summer hair, and this morning I left early to get to the event.  He made me breakfast and bed and was cleaning when I got home.  He's so supportive of me doing whatever I need to do to be healthy.  Pam and I did our THIRD 5k afterwards.  We are totally rocking it and again shaved minutes off our time.  I love jogging with her, I mean love love love it.  I don't necessarily like the jogging part, but I love spending the time with her and since I dislike jogging, she makes it bearable.  She actually makes it fun.

Unstoppable "daring you to Tri" Mariah

Tomorrow is the big day

I had a great time at my lunch gathering  yesterday and was inspired by learning more about others experiences.  The timing was a bit ironic  and proved to be a much needed lunch that gave me a lot to think about.  I’ve been trying to find my way back into going to church but have had some issues finding the right fit for my family.  With the new group of woman I was introduced to and their faith, I’m confident I’ll figure it out.

Some of my fellow Tri family members had been talking about doing an indoor Triathlon in April, after looking at some of the costs, Kristi came up with a fantastic idea.  She only has a limited amount of visitor passes to lifetime, but was gracious enough to offer one to Heather, Michelle and myself.  April 10^th we will be doing an indoor Tri.  You swim for 10 minutes, bike for 30 and run for 20.  I’m so thankful that she’s willing to part with her visitor passes as it saves me $50 dollars and it’s less overwhelming when doing it with 3 friends.   Plus it gives me additional motivation during my biking and jogging.

I’m overly ecstatic and nervous for the priorfatgirl gathering tomorrow. This will be the first time I’ve shared my journey in a public speaking environment.  I find that I grow when I am willing to be vulnerable and open with others.  It’s so darn scary to be so open and honest with people but I love how strong I become from doing it.  I guess it’s like exercising in that way.  I get scared and nervous almost every time I hit the gym or exercise outside, but every time I’m willing to take that risk, I grow.   I think the best part about getting to share my story is being in such a welcoming caring group of people.  It’s such a safe and inviting environment that I know and trust it will go great.  My wonderful cousin Pam will be participating in the event with me and it’s great to know I’ll have a smiling face back at me when I stand up there. 

Today I will leave you with this, when I started my journey, I did not have the courage to be the person I am today.  I would not have publicly spoke or blogged about my journey.  I would not have gone back to school and been successful and I would not have pushed my boundaries.   I love my new life, I will continue to push myself, explore new opportunities and continue to grow from all of the experiences life offers, even when I don’t like them (like working out).    

Unstoppable “shrinking on the outside, but growing on the inside” Mariah