So I had a small set back . . . . I gained .09 even with my calorie deficits. After pouting and having a small fit (if you ask Paul, he'll say it was a big fit), I figured out why. It’s actually a combination on things. It was due to taking in too few calories, too much salt and too little water. In my excitement in getting close to my 50lb mark I reduced my calorie intake. Well that kind of backfired. L Along with that, I was eating too many salty snacks (popcorn, pretzels, chex mix) and haven’t been good about getting my water in. So today I’m focusing on getting my calories closer to 2200, my goal each day is 2325 while my calorie burn goal is 3075 calories in a day. In the past few days my calorie intake has been ranging from 1400-1600. Today, I feel like I’m eating all of the time and am totally fearful of gaining weight and working hard to push that out of my mind. I’ve been reading online the importance of a healthy calorie intake and using exercise to go into a deficit. I’ve drank a ton of water today, took more calories in and will do a step exercise tonight. Hopefully the wii board will be more forgiving tomorrow.
With the fab weather today I decided to have the courage to wear short sleeves. It was an act of courage because of my new BFF BUD. Today, everyone could see BUD. I got anything from stares, to questions of how it’s been going with BUD (for those who know of him), from what the heck is that on your arm. People’s reactions varied, some people are excited and think it’s great, others thinks I’m a little nuts (granted I am, but that’s beside the point). Someone at work seemed surprised I would wear BUD when he was showing, I told her I wasn’t ashamed of needing a little extra help. While I have been a little embarrassed with all the questions and now it’s quite visible that I’m working hard to lose weight, never was I ashamed. I’m a little nervous because I feel like more people are now watching and paying attention to see if I reach my goal, but I’ll just use that as an incentive to work harder. I don’t even give people the opportunity to give me negative feedback about BUD, I just simply state his name is BUD and he helps me reach my goals. I then tell them a little bit about BUD and how much I love him. How can I not love BUD, he’s on my arm 23 hours a day, he’s becoming part of me and who I am.
I’ve got this hard to explain fear of reaching my 50lb mark that is causing me anxiety. While one would think someone would be nothing but excited to reach their goals, it’s actually somewhat terrifying. There are so many emotions that go with it, I’m fearful I won’t make it, that something will get in my way. I’m scared I will make it, because after that, there is another goal, and another goal, and another goal, it never ends. Sad, because I had the power to do it all along and never did it before, it took me getting to 306lbs to wake up and realize I was slowly killing myself with obesity. Silly that a little number carries so much meaning to it. I guess in so many ways it’s not a number, but what the number has represented in my life. Guilt because I’m putting myself first instead of others and guilt because the more I change, the less I think of my son Joey. While I still miss him, so much of the sadness and despair are gone. It’s not that he’s forgotten, but the large hole in my heart has been almost completely filled with so many wonderful things that came from the gift he gave me. I guess it’s guilt I feelfrom moving on. Now that I'm writing it, I think it’s tied to fear that I’ll forget him. And that’s totally silly and crazy, I will never forget Joey. This is why I blog, because it helps me work thru this and talk it out. Because now, I can acknowledge the feeling and deal with it, then move forward.
Unstoppable “learning to be guilt-free” Mariah
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