Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Worthiness?

This feels like it's one of the most awkward posts to write.   It feels like forever since I've last shared with you.  I'm not sure I'll even post this blog but it's an effort to get back to it.  I'm sorry I've been to scared, embarrassed, ashamed, (fill in the negative adjective of your choice).    I'm still working towards my goal.  It's all kinda of a mess. I started feeling really vulnerable in my writing and sharing, which contributed to my latest outbreak of anxiety issues.  Granted that was only one part of it.  Many things have contributed to where I am at this moment.  I feel really lost in all of it.  Lost, I guess I didn't know that until I typed it now.  I've lost my bearings and often feel like the world is spinning around me and I'm just trying to catch up, to hold on to something, to stand still in strength, but instead I feel like water going down the drain in the bathtub as I fight to stay afloat.  Before I would have let the current take me down, but now I'm fighting back which in turn makes me physically and mentally exhausted.

It's not all bad and grim; I know this is all part of the journey.  I'm confident that even that I don’t like where I am at this moment; I trust that God has put me on the right path.  I went to see a doctor a few weeks ago about my increasing panic attacks.  They are worse and more frequent than ever before.  I believe the reason why it's been so bad is because I've been trying so hard to fight against the panic, before I would just let the fear totally control me and shut down into a depression.   I've come to the realization that I just can't do this anymore; I can't beat this on my own.  This isn't the person I want to be, not the Mom, wife or friend.  I was so paralyzed with fear, just going to the doctor to get meds almost sent me over the edge.  I trusted God that it would be okay, that the fear in my head of the doctor shunning me wouldn't happened, that they would help me.  My prayers were answer, instead of judgment, a warm heart and soft voice comforted me.  I kept telling her how I knew my fears weren't always logical, but that my body took over, my heart would race, my chest would get tight, I would have heart pain, I couldn't breathe or think normally, instead I just felt FEAR.  No matter how I tried to talk myself out of the fears, they sometimes just got louder and louder.  It is a HORRIBLE feeling and brings tears to my eyes.  I cried during the appointment several times, embarrassed of my mental state and emotions.  She was so compassionate; she helped get me on a few meds and referred me to a counseling clinic.

I've been on the meds for a few weeks and some of the edge is off, but I still have panic attacks.  I'm not sure this is the right medication for me, but I will try it for 8 weeks because it takes a while to fully be in your system.  I also have my first counseling appointment tomorrow.  I made it for 5:00 so I didn't have to worry about going back to work and feeling emotional or people asking me where I was.  Paul and I have off Friday for a fun date day.  While I share on my blog, in person I'm really ashamed and embarrassed at times.  I'm in touch with my feelings enough to understand most of my feelings and why they are what they are.  I take ownership of who I am and how I feel.  My anxiety isn’t about others or anyone else fault. My anxiety is mine to own and to cope with.  I'm ready to get help; I'm scared but ready to deal.  I'm ready to become the person I want to be.  I'm so scared and nervous for tomorrow, but I trust its right.

I'm so much farther then I was in the beginning.  I knew it wouldn't be easy and that's okay.  I don't even view what's going on right now as a setback, rather more of something I've been putting off dealing with and it's just coming to the forefront.  It's almost like I've dusted the top layers off and now I'm getting to the core of what I need to fix.  While I'm having many issues with fears specific to certain aspects of my life, I'm also more adventurous than ever.  I'm doing the Polar Bear Plunge in a hula outfit, OH YEAH!  I'm taking a BWCA trip with 8 other amazing women this summer (still fearful of that, but will work on it).  I've signed up for 3 Sprint Triathlons this summer as well.  When I've follow the right path, I've never been let down, it's been hard work, but it's always been worth the journey and effort.  I will keep reminding myself of this.  I am worth the effort.

Unstoppable "worthy" Mariah

8 comments:

  1. I have panic attacks sometimes too when I feel really overwhelmed. I hope you find a way to deal with the fear. You are WORTH it.

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  2. You are brave! (And from "The Help" you is kind, you is strong, you is important.)

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  3. I admire your courage to hit publish. I know it's a tough thing to do sometimes.

    Keep fighting. You are strong and worth it!

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  4. I've wandered away from writing recently too. We are all here to support you. I hope you start feeling even more worthy soon!

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  5. Oh honey!! I know the panic attack feeling. It sucks!!!! Aaahhh. We'll get through it. Hang in there... and thanks for posting. Makes those of us that have panic attacks feel less crazy! Ha.

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  6. Oh honey!! I know the panic attack feeling. It sucks!!!! Aaahhh. We'll get through it. Hang in there... and thanks for posting. Makes those of us that have panic attacks feel less crazy! Ha.

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  7. Thank you all for your posts. It's so reassuring and gives me more confidence in my appt today. Thank you for sharing and your support.

    Mariah

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  8. I hope you continue feeling better. Sending LOTS of love and support!! You will get through this!! :)

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